10 phrases that sound caring but are actually a subtle sign of gaslighting

Gaslighting is a subtle form of manipulation, masked by seemingly caring words. It’s about controlling someone by making them question their reality.

In this kind of manipulation, the perpetrator pretends to care while subtly undermining the other person. Don’t be fooled, though. These phrases aren’t coming from a place of genuine care.

Here are ten phrases that may sound caring on the surface, but can actually be a sign of gaslighting. Read on and arm yourself with knowledge to recognize these deceptive tactics.

1) I’m only saying this because I care about you

We’ve all heard this phrase at some point, and it can be a genuine expression of concern. But in the context of gaslighting, it’s often used to cloak criticism or control under the guise of care.

The gaslighter uses this phrase to make you believe that their criticism or controlling behavior is actually for your own good. It’s a way to make you question your own judgment and accept their view as the better one.

Remember, genuine concern is about offering support and understanding, not undermining your self-esteem. If you hear this phrase frequently and it’s accompanied by criticism or control, it could be a subtle sign of gaslighting.

Be aware of the context and your feelings. True care should make you feel supported, not doubtful or inadequate.

2) You’re remembering it wrong

This one hits close to home. A few years back, I had an encounter with a friend who would often use this phrase whenever we had disagreements. At first, it seemed harmless; I thought maybe I was just forgetful.

But as time went on, I noticed that my friend used this phrase whenever I confronted them about something they did that upset me. They’d insist I was remembering the situation wrong and their version of events was the correct one.

It took me a while to realize that this was a form of gaslighting. They were subtly manipulating my perception of reality to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. It was a tactic to make me question my memory and doubt my experiences.

If you find someone frequently telling you that you’re remembering things incorrectly, be cautious. It might not be your memory that’s the issue, but a gaslighting technique in play.

3) You’re too sensitive

This phrase is a classic gaslighting tactic. It’s designed to dismiss your feelings and make you question your emotional responses.

The person using this phrase is essentially saying that the problem isn’t their behavior, but your reaction to it. They label you as “too sensitive” to deflect attention from their own actions, making you the one at fault.

Interestingly, a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that individuals who regularly dismiss other people’s feelings by calling them “too sensitive” or “overly emotional” are more likely to engage in manipulation tactics such as gaslighting.

So if someone frequently tells you that you’re too sensitive, it could be a sign that they’re trying to control you by undermining your emotions.

4) I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of this

This phrase is another way gaslighters belittle your feelings and experiences. By saying you’re making a “big deal” out of something, they’re suggesting your reaction is exaggerated or unnecessary.

In doing so, they not only dismiss your feelings but also create doubt about your judgement. You might start wondering if you’re indeed overreacting or being unreasonable.

But remember, everyone’s feelings and perceptions are valid. If something bothers you, it’s important. Don’t let someone else dictate how you should feel or react to a situation.

5) You’re always so negative

This phrase is a classic example of gaslighting. It’s used to shift blame and make you feel guilty for expressing your feelings or concerns.

When someone repeatedly labels you as negative, it can make you question your own perspective. You may start to believe that you are the problem, not the situation or the person’s behavior.

But expressing concerns or sharing feelings that aren’t positive doesn’t make you a negative person. It’s essential to recognize this tactic for what it is: an attempt to silence your voice and manipulate your perception of reality.

6) I never said that

This phrase can be particularly hurtful because it directly challenges your memory and perception of reality. When someone you trust or care about insists they never said something you clearly remember them saying, it can be deeply unsettling.

The intention behind the phrase is to make you question your memory, and over time, your sanity. This self-doubt serves to undermine your confidence and make you more susceptible to their manipulation.

Remember, it’s perfectly okay to trust your memory and feelings. If this phrase is frequently used in your relationship, it may be time to reassess and seek support.

7) You’re just overthinking

This one brings back memories from a previous relationship. I remember sharing my concerns and feelings, only to be met with “you’re just overthinking.”

At first, I took it as genuine advice. I thought maybe I was overanalyzing the situation. But then I realized, this phrase was used every time I brought up something that needed addressing in our relationship.

It was a way to dismiss my concerns, making me second-guess myself. Over time, it led me to suppress my feelings and thoughts, thinking I was the problem.

If you often hear “you’re just overthinking,” be aware. It may be a subtle attempt to dismiss your concerns and keep you in a state of self-doubt.

8) I’m just trying to help you

This phrase seems caring, right? But in a gaslighting context, it’s not. It’s often used to justify controlling behavior or unsolicited advice.

Instead of genuinely trying to help, the person is attempting to dictate how you should think, feel, or behave. They present their opinion as the only right way and subtly undermine your capacity to make decisions for yourself.

Remember, real help is about providing support and empowering the other person, not imposing one’s own views or control. If this phrase is accompanied by such behavior, it might be a subtle sign of gaslighting.

9) You always take things the wrong way

This phrase is a classic gaslighting tactic used to shift blame. Instead of acknowledging their own behavior or communication, the gaslighter blames you for “misunderstanding” them.

The goal is to make you question your interpretation and understanding of their actions or words. Over time, you may start to doubt your own judgment, making it easier for them to control and manipulate you.

Don’t let someone else’s refusal to take responsibility for their actions shake your trust in your own perception and understanding. If you’re constantly being told that you’re taking things the wrong way, it could be a sign of gaslighting.

10) I didn’t mean it like that

This phrase is a gaslighter’s go-to when they want to evade responsibility for their hurtful words or actions. They insist they didn’t mean it the way you interpreted it, making you feel guilty for being upset or hurt.

But here’s the truth: your feelings are valid. If someone’s words or actions hurt you, it’s not your fault for feeling that way. Nobody has the right to tell you how you should interpret their behavior.

Remember, gaslighting is about control and manipulation. Don’t let anyone undermine your feelings or experiences. Trust yourself. You know what’s best for you.

Final thought: Trust your instincts

The complexity of human relationships often intertwines with the manipulation tactics we’ve discussed.

At the heart of gaslighting is a power dynamic – an attempt to control and undermine another person’s reality. It’s a manipulation that’s often cloaked in phrases that sound caring, making it all the more insidious.

Psychology research acknowledges that our gut instincts can be a reliable tool in identifying manipulation and deceit. If you constantly feel invalidated, dismissed, or confused in a relationship, it could be a sign of gaslighting.

Remember, your experiences and feelings are valid. You have the right to express yourself without fear of being undermined or dismissed. And if the phrases we’ve highlighted seem familiar, it may be time to reevaluate the dynamics in your relationships.

Trust yourself. Your instincts are more potent than you might think.