10 signs you’re not in love, you just want to be in a relationship

There’s a subtle yet significant difference between being in love and just wanting to be in a relationship.

The distinction lies in authenticity. Being in love is about genuine feelings for another person, while simply wanting a relationship could mean you’re more interested in the idea of love.

You might think you’re head over heels, but maybe you’re just craving companionship. And I’m here to help you figure that out.

Here are some signs that could indicate you’re not really in love; you just want to be in a relationship.

1) You’re more focused on the relationship status

There’s something alluring about being in a relationship, isn’t there?

The idea of having a partner, someone to share your life with, can be quite attractive. But the real question is – are you in love with the person, or just the idea of being in a relationship?

Take a step back and reflect. Are you more excited about the concept of having a significant other than about the individual you’re with?

This could be a sign that you’re not in love, but rather, just wanting to be in a relationship.

It’s okay to want companionship. But let’s be honest about what we truly desire. It’s crucial for both your happiness and that of your potential partner.

2) You feel a sense of urgency

I remember this one time in my life when I was particularly eager to be in a relationship.

Everywhere I looked, it seemed like everyone had someone. Friends were getting engaged, siblings were settling down, and here I was, single. I felt a strong sense of urgency to find someone, anyone, just so I wouldn’t feel left out.

But here’s the thing: love isn’t a race. It’s not about keeping up with others or meeting societal expectations.

In retrospect, I realized that my rush wasn’t because I had found someone special and was in love. Instead, it was more about not wanting to be the last one standing alone.

If you’re feeling a similar sense of urgency, take a moment to reflect. Are you rushing into a relationship because you’re in love with the person? Or is it because you’re feeling pressured to be in a relationship?

Your answer might surprise you.

3) You’re idealizing your partner

When we’re infatuated or desperate to be in a relationship, we can often place our partner on a pedestal, overlooking their flaws and exaggerating their positive attributes. This is known as idealization.

Idealization can lead us to believe we’re in love when, in reality, we’re in love with an image we’ve created, not the actual person.

The truth is, nobody is perfect. Everyone has flaws and makes mistakes. Love involves seeing and accepting a person for who they truly are, not who we want them to be.

So if you find yourself glossing over your partner’s shortcomings or painting an unrealistic picture of them in your mind, it might be time to question whether you’re in love or just infatuated with the idea of being in a relationship.

4) You’re in love with the idea of love

Let’s face it, love is romanticized in our culture. From movies and books to music and social media, we’re bombarded with idealized versions of love and relationships. It’s easy to fall in love with the idea of love itself.

But are you really in love with the person you’re with or just enamored with the idea of being in a relationship?

If you find yourself daydreaming more about relationship milestones, like moving in together or going on romantic getaways, rather than appreciating the everyday moments with your partner, it could be a sign that you’re more in love with the idea of being in a relationship than actually being in love with them.

Real love is about connection, understanding, and acceptance. It’s about treasuring the simple moments as much as the grand ones. If you’re more interested in the idea of a relationship than the person you’re with, then it may be time to reassess your feelings.

5) You’re constantly comparing

Comparisons can be a good reality check at times, but when it comes to relationships, they can often be misleading.

If you find yourself constantly comparing your partner or your relationship to others’, it could indicate that you’re more invested in the idea of a relationship than the person you’re with.

This could mean comparing your relationship to past ones, to the relationships of friends and family, or even to those perfect-looking couples on social media.

Remember, every relationship is unique and has its own pace and path. If you’re constantly comparing, it might mean that you’re more focused on the societal image of a ‘perfect relationship’ than actually building a meaningful connection with your partner.

Love is about two unique individuals coming together, not about fitting into a preconceived notion of what a relationship should look like.

6) Your happiness depends on the relationship

A happy relationship can definitely add joy to your life, but it shouldn’t be the only source of your happiness.

If you find that your emotional well-being is entirely dependent on the status of your relationship, it might be a sign that you’re more attached to the idea of being in a relationship than being in love.

True love enhances your life and brings you joy, but it doesn’t invalidate or replace the happiness that comes from within you, from your passions, friendships, and accomplishments.

Being in love means sharing your happiness with another, not placing the burden of your happiness on them. If you’re looking to a relationship as the sole source of your joy, it might be time to reassess whether it’s love or dependency driving your desire.

7) You fear being alone

I’ve always been a social person, thriving on interactions and connections. For a long time, I associated being alone with loneliness, and it scared me.

This fear led me into a relationship where I wasn’t in love with the person, but I was in love with the idea of having someone by my side. I wanted to avoid being alone at any cost.

But it’s important to understand that being alone and being lonely are not the same. Being alone can be empowering, a time to discover and appreciate oneself.

Feeling the need to rush into or stay in a relationship due to the fear of being alone could be a sign that you’re not in love with your partner, but rather, you just want to avoid being single.

It’s vital to find comfort in your own company before you can truly be happy with someone else’s. After all, love should stem from want, not need.

8) You’re trying to fill a void

Sometimes, we look to relationships to fill a gap in our lives. It might be boredom, loneliness, or even a lack of self-esteem that we hope a relationship will fix.

However, relying on another person to complete you or make you feel whole can lead to unhealthy dependence and unrealistic expectations.

Instead of filling our voids, true love tends to highlight them. It challenges us to face our insecurities and work through them, rather than masking them with the presence of a partner.

If you’re seeking a relationship primarily to fill a void in your life, it may be worth asking yourself if you’re really in love or just seeking an emotional band-aid.

9) You’re ignoring red flags

When we’re desperate to be in a relationship, we often ignore or downplay the warning signs. These red flags could be anything from incompatible values and interests to unhealthy behaviors or patterns.

Ignoring these red flags can lead to an unfulfilling or even toxic relationship. Remember, love isn’t about making huge sacrifices or compromising your happiness just for the sake of having someone in your life.

If you find yourself excusing your partner’s actions or brushing off concerns about the relationship, it’s worth taking a step back and asking yourself if you’re really in love, or if you’re just trying to force a relationship because you want one.

True love involves respect, understanding, and a shared vision of the future. If you’re overlooking major issues just to stay in a relationship, it might not be love you’re chasing, but rather the idea of being in a relationship.

10) You don’t feel content

At the end of the day, being in love is about feeling content and fulfilled. It’s about knowing that even though there might be bumps along the way, you’re with someone who is worth it.

If you find yourself constantly questioning, doubting, or feeling unsatisfied in your relationship, it could indicate that you’re not actually in love.

True love brings peace, not constant anxiety or uncertainty. If your relationship feels more like a constant chase for affirmation or satisfaction, it might be a sign that you’re in love with the idea of being in a relationship, not the person you’re with.

Final thoughts: It’s about authenticity

When it comes to love and relationships, the core element is authenticity. It’s about being true to your feelings, your partner, and most importantly, to yourself.

Navigating love can be complicated. We often confuse infatuation, the desire for companionship, or fear of loneliness with genuine love. It’s a common human predicament.

The ancient Greeks had a term for authentic love – “Agape.” It refers to selfless love, a love that persists regardless of circumstances, a love that genuinely wishes well for the other person.

In the quest for Agape, introspection is our greatest tool. It allows us to understand our feelings and differentiate between being in love and merely being attracted to the idea of a relationship.

So take the time to reflect on your feelings. Listen to what your heart says. It might just be trying to tell you something important about your relationship and about yourself.

Remember, love isn’t about just filling a void or meeting societal expectations. It’s about sharing a bond that enriches your life and supports you in becoming the best version of yourself.