9 phrases men use when they lack basic communication skills, according to psychology

Communication is key in any relationship, but not all of us are masters at it.

Sometimes, as men, we fumble with our words, resorting to clichéd phrases when we just can’t convey what we really feel. It’s not because we’re trying to be obscure or even manipulative. In fact, sometimes it’s the opposite. It’s just that we lack the basic skills to express ourselves effectively.

Psychology has identified certain phrases that men often use when they’re struggling with communication. Here are nine of them that you might recognize. This isn’t about blaming or shaming; it’s about understanding and improving.

Let’s dive into these phrases and see what we can learn about ourselves and how we can communicate better.

1) “I’m fine.”

One of the most common phrases men resort to when they struggle with communication is the classic “I’m fine.” It’s a phrase that’s universally recognized, yet often misunderstood.

Psychology tells us this phrase can be a defense mechanism. Men often use it as a shield to hide their feelings, particularly when those emotions are complex or perceived as negative. It’s less about intentional deceit and more about an inability to articulate what they’re truly experiencing.

“I’m fine” can also be a reflection of societal pressures. Men are often conditioned to suppress their emotions and appear strong. Admitting they’re not ‘fine’ can feel like admitting weakness, which is why this phrase is frequently used.

Understanding this behaviour isn’t about making accusations or assumptions. Instead, it’s about recognizing the potential barriers to effective communication and working towards breaking them down. 

2) “It’s not a big deal.”

Now, here’s a phrase I’ve personally been guilty of using more times than I’d like to admit: “It’s not a big deal.”

I remember when my girlfriend would ask me how my day was or why I seemed upset. Instead of opening up about the stress at work or discussing my worries, I’d brush it off with a quick, “It’s not a big deal.”

According to psychology, using this phrase is typically a way to avoid vulnerability. It can be easier to dismiss our problems and emotions rather than confront them head-on and share them with others.

Looking back, I can see that this response didn’t help me or my relationship. It created a barrier between us and prevented us from connecting on a deeper level.

3) “Whatever you want.”

“Whatever you want” is another phrase men often use when they lack basic communication skills. This response can seem accommodating, even considerate on the surface. But in reality, it can signify a desire to avoid conflict or decision-making.

Psychology suggests that individuals who frequently use this phrase may fear the potential fallout from expressing their own desires or needs. It’s a form of passive communication where one party relinquishes their agency to keep the peace.

People who regularly avoid expressing their preferences may experience lower relationship satisfaction in the long run. It underscores the importance of expressing one’s needs and desires openly and honestly in any relationship, be it personal or professional.

Understanding and acknowledging this pattern can be a stepping stone towards more assertive, effective communication.

4) “I don’t know.”

“I don’t know” is a phrase that men often use when they’re struggling with communication. It can be a go-to response for a variety of situations, from discussing future plans to expressing feelings.

The phrase “I don’t know” can be a sign of confusion or uncertainty, but it can also signal a lack of willingness to engage in a conversation. It’s essentially a conversational dead end, offering no further insight or opportunity for discussion.

This isn’t to say that it’s wrong to genuinely not know something. However, if this phrase is being used repeatedly as a way to avoid deeper conversations or difficult topics, it could indicate a lack of effective communication skills.

5) “Let’s talk about this later.”

“Let’s talk about this later” is another common phrase men use when they struggle with communication. At times, it may be a valid request for time to process thoughts and emotions. However, if used frequently, it can also be a tactic to continually postpone or avoid difficult conversations.

According to psychology, continuously delaying conversations can lead to unresolved issues and growing resentment in relationships. It creates a pattern of avoidance which can hinder effective communication.

It’s important to realize that “later” should not become “never”. Understanding the difference between needing time to think and avoiding a conversation is key in improving communication skills.

6) “Nothing’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong.” How often have we heard or used this phrase when something was clearly amiss? It’s a phrase that men frequently use when they’re feeling down or upset but don’t know how to express it.

This phrase, while seemingly innocuous, can be a cry for help masked by a smile. Behind those two words could be a whirlwind of emotions, anxieties, or fears, struggling to find voice. It could be an attempt to shield loved ones from pain or an expression of the societal expectation that men should not show vulnerability.

Understanding and empathizing with the emotions behind this phrase can pave the way for more open and honest communication.

7) “It doesn’t matter.”

“It doesn’t matter” is a phrase I found myself using frequently during disagreements or when I felt my opinion was not valued. Instead of standing my ground or expressing my feelings, I’d dismiss the entire conversation, implying that it, and by extension my feelings, didn’t matter.

Psychologists suggest that this phrase can signify a surrender in communication. It’s an indication of feeling unheard or overwhelmed, a retreat from engaging further in the discussion.

Over time, I realized that this response was detrimental to the relationships around me. It wasn’t fair to myself or to the people who genuinely cared about my thoughts and feelings.

8) “You’re overthinking.”

“You’re overthinking” is a phrase men often use when they find it hard to address emotional topics or confront their own feelings. It’s a way to deflect, suggesting the problem lies not within the situation but within the other person’s perception of it.

Psychologists point out that this can be a form of gaslighting, a psychological manipulation tactic where one person causes another to question their own feelings or perceptions.

Regardless of intent, it can lead to confusion and self-doubt in the recipient and avoid dealing with the real issue at hand.

9) “Can we not talk about this?”

The phrase “Can we not talk about this?” is often used by men when they’re uncomfortable or unwilling to discuss certain topics. While it’s normal to have topics we’d rather avoid, consistent avoidance can prevent us from addressing important issues and hinder effective communication.

Psychology teaches us that open dialogue, even about uncomfortable topics, is crucial for understanding and growth. Avoidance might provide temporary relief, but it often leads to unresolved issues.

Communication isn’t just about talking; it’s about listening, understanding, and responding. Improving our communication skills is a continuous journey. It starts with recognizing our shortcomings and making the conscious effort to do better. It’s not easy, but it’s definitely worth it.

The heart of the matter: It’s about understanding

The complex dance of human interaction is often riddled with missteps and misunderstandings. It’s a journey that can be, at times, frustrating and confusing, especially for those who struggle with communicating their thoughts and feelings effectively.

The phrases we’ve explored are not character flaws or points of ridicule but signposts pointing towards areas of growth. These phrases are a call to better understand ourselves and the men in our lives.

The goal here isn’t to ‘fix’ anyone but to foster understanding and empathy. It’s about acknowledging these patterns and working towards more open, honest, and effective communication.

At the end of the day, we all want to be understood. And understanding begins with listening – not just to the words spoken but also to those left unsaid.