There’s a fine line between guiding and controlling. Especially in Christian mentorship, it’s crucial to strike the right balance.
Control is about imposing your will, regardless of the mentee’s needs or perspective. Guidance, however, involves listening, providing wisdom, and allowing the mentee to make their own informed choices.
Christian mentorship is all about empowering others in their spiritual journey. But some mentors may unintentionally slip into controlling behavior.
So, what are the signs? In this article, we’ll explore “9 ways to identify controlling tendencies in Christian mentorship”. Because recognizing these tendencies is the first step towards positive change.
1) Dictating personal beliefs
Christian mentorship should nurture spiritual growth, not dictate it.
However, some mentors may cross this line without even realizing it. They might start to impose their own personal beliefs and interpretations of scripture, rather than guiding the mentee to develop their own understanding.
It’s a tricky situation, especially when the mentor genuinely believes they’re doing what’s best for the mentee. But it’s essential to remember that everyone has a unique spiritual journey.
The mentor’s role is to facilitate that journey, not control it.
So if a mentor starts prescribing how a mentee should interpret or apply scripture in their personal life, it’s a clear sign of controlling behavior. And that’s something to address with care and respect.
2) Disregarding personal boundaries
In my own experience with mentorship, I’ve learned the importance of respecting personal boundaries.
I remember a particular mentor who used to insist on knowing every detail of my life. It felt like an invasion of my privacy, and it made me uncomfortable. It seemed as if she wanted to control not just my spiritual journey, but also my personal decisions and actions.
Though she might have meant well, this behavior was a sign of controlling tendencies. A good mentor understands that there are certain areas of a mentee’s life that are private unless the mentee chooses to share.
Respect for personal boundaries is key in Christian mentorship. If you feel like your privacy is being invaded or your mentor is controlling aspects of your life outside the realm of your spiritual journey, it’s a red flag.
3) Discouraging independent thought
Independent thought is an essential part of personal growth and spiritual development. It’s also a concept deeply rooted in Christian philosophy.
Interestingly, the Greek word for “disciple” – mathetes – means “learner” or “student”. This implies an active, participatory role in learning, not a passive acceptance of a mentor’s teachings.
If a mentor discourages questions or independent thinking, it’s a sign of controlling tendencies. A good mentor encourages their mentee to explore, question, and learn for themselves, fostering an environment of mutual respect and open dialogue.
4) Fostering dependency
A good mentor aims to make their mentee independent and self-reliant. They want to equip them with the tools and wisdom to navigate their spiritual journey on their own.
However, a mentor displaying controlling tendencies might instead foster dependency. They might make themselves indispensable to the mentee’s spiritual growth. This can be through making all decisions for the mentee or being the sole source of spiritual insight.
This kind of dependency isn’t healthy in a mentorship relationship. It hinders the mentee’s personal growth and prevents them from developing their own relationship with God. It’s a clear sign of control, and something that needs to be addressed accordingly.
5) One-way communication
Mentorship is a two-way street. It should involve open dialogue, shared insights, and mutual learning. The mentor imparts wisdom and guidance, while the mentee brings their unique experiences and perspectives.
However, a controlling mentor might dominate all conversations. They might not listen to the mentee’s thoughts or feelings, dismissing them as unimportant or irrelevant.
This lack of balanced communication can be disheartening to the mentee. It also hampers their spiritual growth, as they might feel unheard or unvalued.
If you notice that your mentorship relationship has become a monologue rather than a dialogue, it’s a sign of controlling tendencies that need to be addressed.
6) Ignoring the mentee’s emotional well-being
At the heart of Christian mentorship is love and compassion. It’s about understanding, supporting, and nurturing the mentee’s emotional well-being along with their spiritual growth.
Sadly, some mentors may overlook this crucial aspect. They might focus solely on the mentee’s spiritual progress, disregarding how they feel or what they’re going through emotionally.
This can be particularly harmful if the mentee is going through a tough time. They might feel isolated, confused, and even more burdened.
If a mentor fails to acknowledge or address the mentee’s emotional needs, it might indicate controlling tendencies. It’s a sign that they’re more concerned with their own agenda than the mentee’s holistic well-being. And that’s not what Christian mentorship should be about.
7) Overstepping their role
I once had a mentor who insisted on intervening in every aspect of my life, even those that had nothing to do with my spiritual journey. It felt as if he was trying to play God in my life, making decisions for me, and acting as the final authority on all matters.
This overstepping of boundaries is a clear sign of controlling tendencies. A mentor’s role is to guide and advise, not to dictate and control. They are there to provide spiritual guidance based on the teachings of Christ, not to replace Christ’s role in the mentee’s life.
If a mentor begins to take on roles they aren’t meant to, it’s time to reassess the relationship.
8) Using guilt or fear as a tool
Christian mentorship should inspire growth through love, understanding, and encouragement. It should never involve manipulation using guilt or fear.
However, some mentors might resort to these tactics to control their mentees. They might use guilt to make the mentee conform to their expectations or fear to discourage certain behaviors.
This can be damaging to the mentee’s self-esteem and spiritual growth. It can also create a toxic mentorship environment.
If you feel guilted or scared into making choices or adopting beliefs, it’s a sign that your mentor might have controlling tendencies. It’s essential to address this issue and seek a mentorship based on love, respect, and encouragement.
9) Lack of respect for individuality
Each one of us is uniquely created by God, with our own strengths, weaknesses, passions, and spiritual journeys. A good mentor recognizes and respects this individuality.
However, a controlling mentor might try to mold the mentee into their own image or into what they believe a Christian should be. They might disregard the mentee’s individuality, forcing them into a one-size-fits-all spiritual path.
This lack of respect for individuality is a significant red flag. Remember, God cherishes our unique identities and so should our mentors.
Final thoughts: The essence of mentorship
The heart of Christian mentorship is deeply rooted in the teachings of Jesus Christ. It’s about love, respect, guidance, and empowerment.
In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
This scripture beautifully captures the essence of mentorship. A Christian mentor should be a source of comfort, a guide who is gentle and humble in heart. They should inspire restful souls rather than burdensome control.
As we journey towards spiritual growth, let’s remember to seek mentorship that aligns with these values. And if we’re mentors ourselves, let’s reflect on our actions and ensure we’re fostering an environment of love, respect, and individuality.
After all, mentorship is not about asserting control but about lighting the path for someone else’s journey with God.
