Friendships can be tricky. You might have a group of friends you see all the time—at brunch, happy hour, or yoga class—but something feels off.
The conversations stay shallow, and when it comes to sharing your real thoughts or struggles, you’re not part of the picture.
No matter how much you try to open up, the connection doesn’t seem to stick.
Sometimes, this feeling is easy to ignore.
Life is busy, and having people around can feel like enough.
But deep down, there’s a nagging sense that these friendships are missing something important: real closeness.
It’s not about how often you see each other or how much fun you have—it’s about emotional connection.
If you’ve ever wondered why some friendships feel hollow, it might be time to look at the patterns keeping them on the surface.
Not all friendships are built to go deeper, but understanding why can help you create stronger, more meaningful bonds.
1) She’s always there for the fun, but not for the tears
Friendship has three key dimensions, companionship, intimacy and support.
Most of us have no problem with the first one.
We love to hang out, laugh, and enjoy good times together.
But when it comes to the other two, things might get a bit tricky.
If a woman only has surface-level friendships in her life, she’s probably the life of the party, always up for a fun time but rarely there when things get tough.
When her friends are going through a hard time or need someone to talk to, she might suddenly become unavailable or change the topic back to something light and breezy.
It’s not necessarily that she doesn’t care; it might just be that she’s not comfortable with emotional depth.
But if you find yourself constantly on the periphery of your friends’ lives, it might be time to reflect on your behaviors and learn how to cultivate deeper connections.
Friendships should be about more than just having a good time.
They should offer a safe space for vulnerability, support and emotional connection.
If these elements are missing, it might be a sign that you’re only skimming the surface of your relationships.
2) She avoids personal topics like the plague
I remember one evening, we were all sitting around a bonfire, the stars above us, the warmth of the fire against the chill of the night.
One of my friends started talking about her recent breakup.
It was raw, it was painful, but it was real.
What did I do? I quickly changed the topic to our upcoming trip to the beach, because I didn’t want to dwell on something so heavy. I wanted to keep things light and fun.
Looking back now, I realize that was a missed opportunity for me to connect with my friend on a deeper level.
By avoiding personal topics, I was unknowingly building a wall between us, keeping our friendship at surface level.
It’s not just about sharing your own experiences but also being receptive when others open up to you.
3) She stays safe in the shallow end
There’s a famous quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that goes, “A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
The same could be said about friendships.
You can’t really tell how deep a friendship is until it’s tested by the hot waters of life’s challenges.
If a woman only has surface-level friendships, she probably steers clear of the ‘hot water’.
She tends to keep things easy-going and casual, always avoiding any potential conflicts or disagreements that might rock the boat.
For example, if there’s a misunderstanding or disagreement between her and her friend, instead of addressing it and working through the issue, she might choose to brush it under the carpet or even distance herself from the friendship.
But as Eleanor Roosevelt’s quote suggests, it’s these moments of ‘hot water’ that really test and strengthen our friendships.
By avoiding them, we’re missing out on the opportunity to deepen our relationships and truly get to know our friends on a more intimate level.
The key here isn’t to seek out conflict but rather not to shy away from it.
It’s about having the courage to dive into deeper waters, knowing that it’s in these depths that real connections are made.
4) She’s a chameleon in her friendships
She changes her behavior, opinions, or even personality just to fit in with different groups of friends.
If she’s hanging out with her fitness buddies, she might portray herself as a health nut.
But when she’s with her foodie friends, she suddenly becomes a die-hard food enthusiast.
While it’s normal to have different facets of our personality shine in different contexts, it becomes a problem when there’s no consistency or authenticity in her interactions.
Being a social chameleon might seem like a good way to get along with everyone but in the long run, it hinders the development of deep and meaningful relationships.
Friends should love you for who you are, not who you pretend to be.
Authenticity is key in any relationship and it’s okay to show your true colors.
Just like the chameleon, it’s our uniqueness that makes us interesting and attractive to others.
5) She keeps her world small
She might keep her social circle small and tight-knit, not because she values a few deep connections, but because it’s easier to manage.
She might shy away from meeting new people or making an effort to expand her circle.
What’s more, she might stick to familiar topics of conversation and avoid diving into unknown territories.
These could be signs that she’s not open to exploring the breadth and depth of human connection that friendships can offer.
We’re not saying you need to be an extrovert who is friends with everyone you meet.
But opening up your world a little more can lead to enriching experiences and deeper friendships.
6) She’s a master of small talk
She’s the queen of casual banter, always ready with a witty remark or a light-hearted comment.
She talks about the latest movies, the weather, or the latest fashion trends, but rarely delves into personal experiences, feelings or thoughts.
While small talk isn’t inherently bad and can be an excellent icebreaker or a way to keep a conversation going in certain situations, relying solely on it could indicate that she’s not comfortable with or interested in deepening her friendships.
Friendships aren’t just about sharing laughs and good times, they’re also about sharing thoughts and emotions, dreams and fears.
So next time you’re in a conversation with your friends, don’t be afraid to venture beyond the surface. You might be surprised by what you discover.
7) She keeps her emotions under wraps
She might laugh off serious questions with a joke, or brush off compliments with a quick change of subject.
She could be the first one to lend a sympathetic ear, but the last one to share her own struggles.
While there’s no obligation to spill your heart out to everyone you meet, friendships thrive on mutual trust and emotional exchange.
It can feel risky to be vulnerable, to let your guard down and show your real emotions.
But it’s often in those raw, authentic moments that friendships deepen and become more meaningful.
Remember, it’s okay to be human, to have feelings, and to share them with your friends.
Friendships aren’t just about sharing fun times; they’re also about being there for each other through the highs and lows of life.
8) She struggles with self-disclosure
At the heart of every deep and meaningful friendship is self-disclosure, the act of revealing more about yourself to others.
She might feel uncomfortable sharing personal information about herself or revealing her true thoughts and feelings.
Maybe she fears judgment, or perhaps she’s just not used to opening up.
But self-disclosure is a two-way street.
It involves not only sharing your own experiences and feelings but also responding with empathy and understanding when others do the same.
The thing is, friendships are like plants; they need certain things to grow.
One of those things is emotional nourishment, which comes from opening up and letting others in.
So, if you find yourself holding back in your friendships, it might be time to break down those walls and let someone see the real you.
In the end, we all deserve friendships that are more than just surface-level.
Friendships that are rich, deep, and incredibly rewarding.
And it all starts with being open, genuine, and vulnerable with each other.
Embracing deeper connections
If you’ve recognized some of the signs in this article in your own behavior, it’s not a cause for alarm. In fact, it’s an opportunity for growth.
Acknowledging and understanding these behaviors is the first step towards creating deeper and more meaningful relationships.
But change takes time. Start small.
Try sharing a personal story with a friend or asking them about their feelings on a deeper subject.
Don’t shy away from conflicts but see them as an opportunity to deepen your understanding of each other.
The beauty of friendships lies in their ability to evolve and grow with us.
So, don’t be afraid to steer yours into deeper waters.
You might be surprised by the richness of the connections you can create.
And don’t forget – it’s okay to feel vulnerable.
As American author and public speaker Brené Brown puts it, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection.”
So, embrace it. After all, we are all beautifully human and perfectly imperfect.
Let’s reflect on the value of deep friendships in our lives.
They provide not just companionship but also emotional support, understanding, and a unique bond that enriches our life journey.
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