If someone displays these 9 behaviors, they sorely lack emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence is one of those concepts that’s easy to discuss but harder to truly embody. I’ve met plenty of people, myself included, who believe they’ve got it figured out—being self-aware, empathetic, and understanding others. But then life happens, and suddenly it becomes clear there’s still more to learn.

To me, emotional intelligence means genuinely understanding your own emotions and those of the people around you, and finding a way to navigate that with care. The tricky part is, even with the best intentions, we don’t always get it right.

In this article, I want to explore nine behaviors I’ve noticed in people who might be struggling with emotional intelligence.

1) They don’t show empathy

Empathy is one of the cornerstones of emotional intelligence. It’s about understanding and sharing the feelings of another.

But some people just don’t get it. They might listen to your problems, but they can’t put themselves in your shoes. They can’t seem to grasp that others may feel differently than they do.

According to psychologists, this lack of empathy is a clear sign of low emotional intelligence. And it can make interactions with them quite challenging.

You see, emotionally intelligent individuals understand that everyone has their own unique emotions and experiences. They’re able to connect with others on a deeper level because they can relate to their feelings.

So if you notice someone consistently failing to show empathy, chances are, they’re lacking emotional intelligence. And recognizing this can be a big step towards understanding their behavior better.

2) They’re consistently self-centered

I remember a friend I used to have, let’s call him Mark. Mark was always the life of the party, but he had a habit that started to grate on me. He always turned every conversation towards himself.

Whether we were talking about our favorite movies, discussing politics, or sharing our dreams and fears, Mark would find a way to bring the focus back on him. It was like he was the star of his own movie and the rest of us were just supporting characters.

Eventually, it dawned on me that this behavior was a sign of low emotional intelligence. Mark seldom showed genuine interest in others or acknowledged their experiences unless it somehow related to him.

This self-centeredness is another clear sign of lacking emotional intelligence. Emotionally intelligent people understand that conversations are a two-way street and make an effort to show interest in others.

3) They struggle to control their emotions

Emotionally intelligent people have a knack for managing their emotions, even in stressful situations. But those lacking emotional intelligence often struggle to keep their feelings in check.

Recent research supports this observation. A study published by Double, Pinkus, and MacCann (2022) highlights that emotional intelligence significantly predicts an individual’s ability to flexibly adapt their emotion regulation strategies based on the situation.

This adaptability is a crucial aspect of managing emotions effectively. Without it, individuals may find themselves reacting impulsively or letting their emotions dictate their actions, leading to conflicts in relationships and challenges in their professional lives.

If someone consistently struggles to control their emotions, it’s a likely sign that they lack emotional intelligence. Recognizing this can help us understand why they may react the way they do.

4) They don’t handle criticism well

We all know that constructive criticism can sting a little. But for those who lack emotional intelligence, any form of critique can feel like a personal attack.

These individuals often react defensively, make excuses, or even turn the tables and start criticizing the person giving the feedback. They struggle to separate themselves from their work or actions and take criticism as an attack on their character.

On the contrary, emotionally intelligent people understand that criticism isn’t always negative. They see it as an opportunity to learn and grow. They’re open to feedback and use it to improve themselves.

So if someone always reacts negatively to criticism, it’s a clear indication of low emotional intelligence. Being aware of this can help us navigate difficult conversations with them more effectively.

5) They lack self-awareness

Self-awareness is the ability to recognize and understand your moods, emotions, and drives, as well as their effect on others. It’s a crucial component of emotional intelligence.

However, some people seem to lack this understanding. They’re often surprised by how others react to their actions or words, unable to see the impact they have on those around them.

These individuals might continually make the same mistakes without learning from them. They also tend to struggle with understanding why they feel certain emotions, resulting in erratic behavior.

If someone lacks self-awareness, it’s a strong sign that they lack emotional intelligence. Recognizing this can help us better understand their actions and respond appropriately.

6) They struggle to express their feelings

Expressing feelings is a fundamental part of human interaction. It brings us closer, helps us understand one another, and fosters empathy. But for those lacking emotional intelligence, this can be a real challenge.

They often struggle to put their feelings into words, making it hard for others to understand them. They might avoid talking about emotions altogether, or they might express them in inappropriate or extreme ways.

This inability to express feelings can lead to misunderstandings and hurt relationships. It can leave those around them feeling confused or ignored, causing a disconnect that’s hard to mend.

So when you see someone struggling to express their feelings, it’s a telling sign of low emotional intelligence. And being mindful of this can help us approach them with greater understanding and compassion.

7) They fail to take responsibility for their actions

I recall a time when I worked with someone who was always quick to blame others for any mistakes or problems that arose. It was never their fault. There was always some external factor or person to blame.

This constant finger-pointing made it difficult to collaborate effectively. It created a tense atmosphere in the team, as everyone was always on edge, wary of being the next one blamed.

Taking responsibility for one’s actions is a key trait of emotional intelligence. It shows maturity and a willingness to learn and grow. But when someone consistently avoids taking blame and points fingers instead, it’s a clear sign they lack emotional intelligence.

8) They struggle with change

Change is a part of life. But for those lacking emotional intelligence, adapting to new situations can be a significant challenge.

They often resist change and struggle to adjust their behavior or perspectives, even when it’s clear that the old ways aren’t working. They may become anxious or agitated when faced with unexpected shifts in their routine or environment.

On the contrary, emotionally intelligent people are more adaptable. They understand that change is inevitable and can manage their emotions to navigate new situations effectively.

So if someone consistently struggles with change, it’s a clear sign they lack emotional intelligence. Recognizing this can help us anticipate potential issues and support them through the transition.

9) They lack active listening skills

Active listening means you’re truly understanding the speaker’s message, asking thoughtful questions, and responding in a way that shows you’ve been paying attention.

But those lacking emotional intelligence often struggle with this skill. They might interrupt frequently, fail to make eye contact, or start formulating their response before the speaker has finished talking. They’re not fully present in the conversation, which can make the other person feel unheard and invalidated.

If someone consistently falls short in active listening, it’s an essential sign of low emotional intelligence. Active listening is crucial because it allows us to connect with others on a deeper level and builds mutual understanding and respect.

Final thoughts

Emotional intelligence is a skill I’ve been learning for a while now, and it requires daily practice. 

It is not something we’re born with. We can nurture it, develop it, and grow over time. And that’s been true for me too. The more I’ve worked on it, the more I’ve seen how it can deepen relationships and improve how we navigate the world.

So whether it’s working on empathy, learning to manage our emotions a bit better, or just being more present when we’re listening to someone, each small step adds up. It’s these everyday efforts that help us not only become more emotionally intelligent but also more connected and understanding in our interactions with others.

And that’s what emotional intelligence is really about—building stronger, more genuine connections with the people we care about and, just as importantly, with ourselves.