If you really want to be a better mother to your adult children, say goodbye to these 8 behaviors

Parenting doesn’t stop when your children reach adulthood. In fact, it often becomes more challenging, as you navigate a shift from caregiver to advisor and friend.

You want to support your adult children, but sometimes, even with the best intentions, certain behaviors can hold them back or strain your relationship.

If you’ve noticed that your interactions with your adult children are feeling tense or unbalanced, it might be time to reflect on how your actions are impacting the relationship.

The way we communicate, set boundaries, and offer advice can make all the difference in fostering a strong, healthy connection with our grown kids.

In this article, we’ll explore 8 behaviors to say goodbye to if you want to be a better parent to your adult children.

Letting go of these patterns will help you build a relationship that is supportive, respectful, and empowering for both of you.

1) Trying to control their lives

Parenting adult children is a delicate dance. We naturally want to protect our children and guide them towards what we believe is best for them.

The problem arises when this turns into an attempt to control their lives.

Such behavior can strain your relationship and hinder their personal growth. After all, making mistakes and learning from them is an essential part of life’s journey.

Remember, your role as a parent evolves as your child grows. With adult children, it should be more about influence and support, rather than control.

So the first behavior to say goodbye to?

Trying to control their lives. Instead, trust in the values and life skills you’ve instilled in them over the years.

Let them make their own decisions and be there for them when they need your advice or assistance. This shows respect for their independence and can greatly improve your relationship.

2) Offering unsolicited advice

I remember a time when my own adult daughter was going through a job transition.

As a concerned parent, I thought it was my duty to bombard her with advice about job hunting – from updating her resume to the kind of companies she should target.

But soon, I realized that my unsolicited advice was not only unwelcome but was also causing unnecessary stress.

Offering unsolicited advice is another behavior we need to let go of. It might seem like a way to help, but often, it can come across as criticism or doubt in their abilities.

Instead, wait for them to ask for your opinion or guidance. If they don’t, it’s safe to assume they’ve got it handled. 

3) Failing to respect boundaries

It can be easy to forget that your adult children now have their own lives, full of responsibilities, commitments, and personal spaces.

After years of being the one to set the rules, it can be challenging to shift gears and recognize that your grown children are now in charge of their own boundaries.

Overstepping these boundaries can create tension and even lead to resentment, whether it’s:

• Showing up unannounced
• Prying into their personal affairs
• Offering unsolicited advice

What might seem like a harmless gesture to you, such as popping by for a surprise visit or asking about their romantic life, can feel invasive or controlling to them.

Respecting boundaries means understanding that your adult child’s life is separate from yours.

It’s about acknowledging their autonomy and giving them the space to make decisions on their own, without the expectation of approval or constant oversight.

4) Holding on to past mistakes

Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes and hopefully, we learn from them. But as parents, it can be difficult not to dwell on the missteps our adult children have made.

Holding on to past mistakes and bringing them up repeatedly can be damaging. It can make your adult child feel like they’re constantly under scrutiny or that they can’t move past their past.

Instead of focusing on the past, focus on the present and the future. Acknowledge the progress they’ve made and encourage them to keep growing.

Remember, everyone deserves a chance to learn from their mistakes and move forward.

5) Comparing them to others

Comparison can be a thief of joy, especially when it comes from those we deeply care about.

As parents, it’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing our adult children to their peers, siblings, or even our own past selves.

This behavior can be quite damaging, making them feel as if they’re not living up to expectations or that they’re constantly in someone else’s shadow. It can also lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.

Your child is unique, with their own set of strengths and weaknesses, dreams and goals.

Celebrate their individuality and the path they’re carving out for themselves. Strive to cultivate an environment of acceptance and appreciation for our adult children as the unique individuals they are. 

6) Neglecting to listen

I remember a time when my son was trying to explain his perspective on a political issue. Midway through his explanation, I found myself interrupting, ready with my counter-argument before he had finished speaking.

That’s when I realized I wasn’t truly listening. I was so focused on my own viewpoint that I didn’t take the time to understand his.

Active listening is an essential skill for effective communication and healthy relationships. It shows respect for the other person’s thoughts and feelings, and can also help you understand their perspective better.

It’s not just about hearing the words they say, but also understanding the emotions behind them.

So, say goodbye to interrupting and not truly listening. Instead, practice active listening – it can open doors to deeper conversations and a stronger bond with your adult children.

7) Not acknowledging their adulthood

This is a tricky one. Even though we’ve watched them grow and mature, it can be hard to shake off the image of our children as just that – children.

Not acknowledging their adulthood can come off as condescending and can lead to feelings of frustration.

It’s important to remember that they’re not the same people they were when they were teenagers. They’ve grown, learned, and experienced life in their own ways.

Instead of treating them like children, treat them like the adults they are. Show them the respect they deserve, trust in their abilities, and acknowledge their maturity.

8) Failing to show unconditional love

At the core of every parent-child relationship should be unconditional love. It’s the one thing that should remain constant, no matter how much they grow or change.

Unconditional love doesn’t mean agreeing with everything they do or say.

It means loving them for who they are, not for what they do or achieve. It means standing by them, supporting them, and caring for them, regardless of the circumstances.

So, the final and most crucial behavior to say goodbye to? Conditional love.

Embrace unconditional love in its purest form. It’s the greatest gift we can give our adult children.

Final thoughts

Becoming a better parent to your adult children goes beyond providing support; it’s about evolving alongside them and respecting the boundaries of their adulthood.

By letting go of the behaviors that no longer serve your relationship, you create space for mutual respect, trust, and open communication.

Parenting doesn’t stop when your children grow up—it simply changes.

By embracing these shifts and recognizing the importance of autonomy, boundaries, and understanding, you’ll be better equipped to foster a healthy, respectful relationship that allows both you and your adult children to flourish.