If you want more authentic friendships as you get older, say goodbye to these 8 subtle behaviors

Friendships evolve as we grow older, and so do our expectations of them. The connections that once felt easy and carefree might now feel shallow or even unfulfilling.

If you’re finding it harder to form authentic, meaningful friendships, it might be time to reflect on how you approach these relationships. Sometimes, the things we do without even realizing can unintentionally hold us back from building deeper bonds.

True connection requires more than just showing up—it demands honesty, vulnerability, and a willingness to grow.

But it also means letting go of habits or patterns that create barriers. When we do the inner work to improve how we relate to others, we create space for stronger, more fulfilling relationships. 

In this article, we’ll uncover eight subtle behaviors that could be standing between you and the authentic friendships you deserve—and how letting go of them can make all the difference.

1) Holding onto past grudges

We’ve all been there, hanging onto a slight or disagreement from years ago. In fact, it’s almost too easy to do.

But here’s the thing: holding onto past grudges is like dragging around a heavy suitcase. It weighs you down and prevents you from moving forward.

The older we get, the more we realize that life is too short to hold onto resentment. It’s not adding anything positive to our lives or our friendships. In fact, it’s doing the exact opposite.

Letting go of grudges might seem daunting, but trust me, it’s liberating. It allows you to focus on the present and invest your energy in building stronger, more meaningful relationships.

2) Refusing to apologize

Two simple words: I’m sorry. And yet, they can sometimes be the hardest words to say! 

I remember a time when I had a disagreement with a close friend. She felt I had been dismissive of her feelings.

Instead of apologizing, I got defensive, insisting that wasn’t my intention. The disagreement turned into a full-blown argument and we didn’t speak for weeks.

Eventually, I realized that my refusal to apologize had less to do with who was right or wrong, and more to do with my own pride. So, I swallowed my pride, picked up the phone and apologized. It was hard, but it was also the start of a deeper understanding between us.

Saying ‘I’m sorry’ when we’re wrong is crucial in maintaining authentic friendships as we get older. It shows our friends that we value their feelings more than our ego. 

3) Keeping score

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” I’ve found that this applies not only to our personal achievements but also to our friendships.

If we’re constantly tallying who did what for whom, who called last, or who paid for dinner the last time, we’re turning our friendships into a competition.

And let’s be honest, nobody enjoys being in a friendship where they constantly feel like they’re in debt or, worse yet, not doing enough.

The truth is, friendships aren’t about keeping score. They’re about mutual respect, shared experiences and genuine affection. When we stop comparing and start appreciating, we create room for more authentic connections.

4) Failing to actively listen

Did you know that people usually only remember between 25 percent to 50 percent of what we hear? That means when you talk to your friend for 10 minutes, they pay attention to less than half of the conversation.

This was a hard pill for me to swallow. I thought about all the times I had been half-listening to my friends, planning my response before they even finished talking. It’s not that I didn’t care, it was just that I was so caught up in my own thoughts and responses.

Active listening is more than just hearing what your friends are saying; it’s about being present and engaged in the conversation. It’s about putting aside your own thoughts and truly focusing on your friend.

When we actively listen, we show our friends that we value their thoughts and feelings. We build stronger bonds and cultivate more authentic friendships.

It’s time to say goodbye to failing to actively listen and start truly hearing our friends.

5) Neglecting your own needs

Here’s a truth that took me a while to grasp: you can’t pour from an empty cup.

I used to think that being a good friend meant always putting others first, even at the expense of my own needs. It wasn’t until I was burned out and feeling resentful that I realized this wasn’t working.

Friendship is a two-way street. It’s about give and take. Yes, we should be there for our friends, support them and make sacrifices for them when necessary. But not to the point of neglecting our own needs.

When we take care of ourselves, we’re better able to take care of our friends. We’re happier, healthier, and more present. And this in turn makes our friendships stronger and more authentic.

6) Avoiding difficult conversations

I used to think that avoiding difficult conversations was a way to keep the peace in my friendships. I mean, who wants to stir up conflict, right? But over time, I realized that this was a mistake.

Avoiding difficult conversations only leads to misunderstandings and resentment. It’s like sweeping dust under the rug; it doesn’t disappear, it just accumulates until one day it becomes impossible to ignore.

The truth is, difficult conversations are a part of any authentic relationship. They allow us to express our feelings, clear up misunderstandings and deepen our connection with our friends.

Yes, these conversations can be uncomfortable and challenging, but they are also necessary. So let’s say goodbye to the habit of avoiding difficult conversations.

7) Being afraid to show vulnerability

It took me a long time to realize that friendships aren’t just about sharing the good times. The best, most authentic friendships are those where you can share your fears, insecurities and even failures.

I used to think that showing vulnerability was a sign of weakness. It felt uncomfortable and risky. But then I realized that it’s actually a sign of strength and trust.

When we open up to our friends, when we show them our true selves, warts and all, we invite them to do the same. This mutual vulnerability is what deepens our connection and makes our friendships more authentic.

In the end, it’s not about being perfect or always having it together. It’s about being real, being human, and sharing this beautifully messy journey called life with our friends.

8) Not expressing appreciation

Lastly, here’s something I’ve learned that has truly transformed my friendships: expressing appreciation. It’s something so simple, yet so powerful.

We often take our friends for granted, assuming they know how much we appreciate them. But the truth is, we all like to feel valued and appreciated.

I’ve made it a habit to regularly tell my friends how much they mean to me. Whether it’s a simple text message, a heartfelt conversation or a small gesture, I make sure they know they’re appreciated.

This has not only strengthened my friendships, but it has also made them more authentic.

Because when we express our appreciation, we’re not just acknowledging the good times, but also the challenges we’ve overcome together and the growth we’ve experienced as a result.

The final reflection

Building authentic friendships as you get older starts with letting go of habits that hold you back and embracing more openness, honesty, and intentionality in your relationships.

It’s not about being perfect; it’s about showing up as your true self and creating space for others to do the same.

By reflecting on how you approach your friendships and making small changes, you’ll naturally attract deeper, more meaningful connections.

Authenticity is a two-way street, and when you prioritize it, you’ll find relationships that enrich your life in ways you never imagined.