If you want to gain closer friends as you get older, say goodbye to these 7 behaviors

Friendships get trickier as we get older. Between work, family, and other responsibilities, building close bonds can feel like an uphill battle.

But what if gaining closer friends is less about what you should do and more about what you should stop doing?

Today, we dive into seven behaviors that might be pushing potential friendships away. 

Let’s get to them. 

1) Being judgmental

Growing older often means growing wiser, but it can also mean becoming more set in our ways. It’s easy to fall into the trap of judging others based on our own experiences and perspectives.

But judgment is a barrier to deeper connections. It creates an us-versus-them mentality, which can push people away instead of drawing them closer.

As author Brad Meltzer has noted, “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” The key is to cultivate a sense of empathy and understanding. 

Learning to appreciate these differences, rather than judge them, can make your friendships richer and more meaningful.

2) Neglecting communication

Now, I’m going to share something personal. I used to be terrible at keeping in touch. I’d get busy with life, and before I knew it, weeks had gone by without a single text or call to my friends.

Over time, this behavior started to strain some of my friendships. I realized that by not reaching out, I was inadvertently sending the message that they weren’t a priority in my life.

So, I made a change. I started setting reminders on my phone to check in with my friends regularly. Sometimes it was just a quick text to say hi, other times we’d arrange a catch-up over coffee or a meal.

The difference this made was astounding. My friendships deepened because my friends knew they mattered to me.

The lesson here?

Communication is key in any relationship, especially as we age and life gets busier. Don’t wait for your friends to reach out; take the initiative. A simple “How are you?” can go a long way in strengthening your bond.

3) Holding onto grudges

Grudges can be like a heavyweight, dragging down both your mood and your relationships. It’s all too easy to remember the times when someone has wronged us, but dwelling on these moments can prevent us from moving forward.

Interestingly, studies have shown that forgiveness can lead to improved mental and physical health. More than that, it can enhance our relationships and lead to better conflict resolution in the future.

If you’re holding onto a grudge, it might be time to let it go. Easier said than done, I know. But remember, forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or condoning the hurtful behavior, it means freeing yourself from the burden of resentment.

4) Keeping score

Friendships shouldn’t be a tit-for-tat game.

If you’re always keeping a score of who did what for whom and when, it can create unnecessary tension and resentment in your relationships.

This behavior often stems from a place of insecurity and can make your friends feel like they’re in a constant state of debt. It’s important to remember that friendship is not about equal exchange; it’s about mutual support and understanding.

True friendship is about giving without the expectation of getting something in return.

5) Fearing vulnerability

I’ll be honest, opening up wasn’t always my strong suit.

For a long time, I wore a metaphorical suit of armor, thinking it would protect me from getting hurt. But all it did was keep my friends at arm’s length.

Then, I took a risk. I started sharing more about my feelings, my fears, my dreams. And you know what? It didn’t push my friends away; it brought them closer.

Being vulnerable allows for deeper connections. It shows your friends that you trust them with your innermost thoughts and feelings. This trust, in turn, encourages them to open up to you, fostering a cycle of mutual vulnerability and closeness.

As put by researcher and author Brené Brown, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.”

Taking off the armor might be scary but doing so can lead to the most rewarding friendships. So go ahead, let your guard down, and see the difference it makes.

6) Staying stuck in the past

It’s easy to get nostalgic about the good old days, especially when it comes to long-standing friendships. But staying stuck in the past can prevent us from appreciating the present and planning for the future.

Friendships, like people, evolve over time. The things you had in common in your 20s might not be the same as your age.

And that’s okay. It’s important to understand and accept that change is a natural part of life.

Instead of reminiscing about how things used to be, embrace the here and now. Take interest in your friends’ current lives – their interests, their challenges, their dreams. This shows that you value them for who they are today, not just for who they were in the past.

7) Avoiding authenticity

The most meaningful friendships are built on authenticity. Pretending to be someone you’re not or hiding parts of yourself to fit in can prevent you from forming genuine connections.

Being your true self, with all your quirks, passions, and flaws, allows your friends to know and appreciate the real you. And it encourages them to be authentic in return.

Authenticity fosters trust, understanding, and mutual respect – the cornerstones of a deep and lasting friendship.

So dare to be yourself, unapologetically. Because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.

Final reflection: The power of change

Gaining closer friends as we get older often isn’t about finding more time or even meeting more people; it’s about letting go of the behaviors that keep us at a distance.

Friendships are like plants—they need nurturing, understanding, and authenticity to thrive.

By being more open, forgiving, and authentic, you’re laying down the foundation for deeper connections.

These changes won’t happen overnight, but even the smallest shift in your approach can make a world of difference.

Now, go out and connect. The world is waiting.