Men who become a bit too controlling in a relationship usually had these 8 experiences growing up

It’s both baffling and disheartening when the man you care about starts to act controlling.

But while you’re questioning his intentions and your relationship, here’s something else to consider…

The way we behave in our relationships is often shaped by our past experiences, especially those during childhood.

Men who are a tad too controlling in their relationships did not just wake up one day and decide to be that way. In many cases, there are defining experiences from their younger years that moulded this behaviour.

In other words, a man’s controlling tendency is a reflection of his past rather than his feelings for you.

In this article, we’ll delve into the 8 common experiences that these men usually had while growing up. These insights will help you navigate your current relationship and foster healthier dynamics in the future.

1) Raised in a controlling environment

We often learn from what we see, especially as children.

Men who have become overly controlling in relationships may have been raised in an environment where control was a predominant theme.

It’s often the case that one or both parents had a controlling nature, setting stringent rules and exhibiting little flexibility.

Experiencing this during their formative years, men might grow up believing this is the right way to behave in relationships.

They have seen their parents exert control and might unknowingly replicate the same pattern in their own relationships.

This isn’t about pointing fingers or blaming anyone. Rather, it’s about understanding the roots of the behavior to help create a path towards change.

2) Experienced childhood bullying

Bullying leaves deep scars, and I can personally vouch for this.

I remember being picked on during my elementary school years. It was a daily torment that left me feeling powerless and small.

As I grew older, the need to regain control became almost an obsession. I didn’t want to be the weak one anymore.

In my relationships, without even realizing it, I started to exert control as a way to never feel that powerless again.

It took me a while to understand that my controlling behavior was a misguided attempt to protect myself from the fear and vulnerability I had felt as a child.

This is not uncommon.

Men who become too controlling in relationships often have experiences of bullying in their past.

The control they exert in their relationships is a misguided attempt to regain the power they felt they lost during those painful childhood years.

3) Lack of emotional education

Our society has long undervalued emotional intelligence, particularly in boys.

There is a prevalent belief that boys need to be tough, to suppress their emotions. This mindset can lead to adults who struggle to express their feelings in a healthy and constructive manner.

Interestingly, research has found a connection between low emotional intelligence and aggressive and controlling behaviours in relationships.

These men often struggle with their own feelings and emotions and resort to controlling those around them as a coping mechanism.

Understanding emotions, both our own and others’, is an essential skill in maintaining balanced and healthy relationships. Lack of this understanding can often manifest as controlling behaviour.

4) Early exposure to abusive relationships

It’s a harsh reality to face, but some men become controlling in their relationships because they had early exposure to abusive dynamics.

Witnessing violence, emotional manipulation, or any form of abuse in their homes can have a lasting impact.

Growing up in such an environment can normalize the idea of control and power imbalance in relationships.

These men might not even recognize their behavior as problematic because it mirrors what they saw during their childhood.

Again, the intention is not to excuse but to understand. Awareness is the first step towards breaking these harmful patterns learned in childhood.

5) Feeling of insecurity

Insecurity is a tough emotion to grapple with. It can make us feel vulnerable, exposed and unsure of ourselves.

For men who become too controlling in relationships, their behavior is often rooted in deep-seated feelings of insecurity.

They might fear abandonment or rejection, leading them to exert control in an attempt to keep their partner close.

Imagine living with a constant, gnawing fear that the person you love might leave you. It’s a heavy burden to bear and can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms like controlling behavior.

It’s crucial to remind ourselves that insecurity is a human emotion we all experience. The key lies in handling it healthily and constructively rather than letting it dictate our actions and relationships.

6) Experience of trauma

Trauma can shape us in ways we often don’t fully comprehend. It can influence our behaviors, our emotions, and our relationships.

I know this firsthand.

Years ago, I experienced a significant trauma that turned my world upside down. It left me feeling scared and out of control.

To regain some semblance of control, I started to become overly controlling in my relationships. It wasn’t until much later that I realized my need for control was a direct response to the trauma I had experienced.

Many men who become controlling in relationships may have experienced some form of trauma growing up. This could range from loss of a loved one, accidents, or any life-altering events.

Their need to control can be a way to cope with the uncertainty and instability that trauma often brings.

7) Absence of positive role models

Role models play a significant part in shaping our behaviors, especially during our formative years.

Many men who become overly controlling in relationships often lacked positive role models during their childhood. Perhaps they didn’t have a father figure, or the adults in their lives didn’t model healthy relationships.

Without these positive influences, it can be challenging to learn how to navigate relationships effectively.

The absence of constructive examples can lead to unhealthy behaviors, such as becoming too controlling in relationships.

8) Struggles with mental health

Mental health is a critical aspect of our overall well-being and can significantly influence our behavior in relationships.

Men who become overly controlling can often be struggling with underlying mental health issues such as:

  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Personality disorders

These conditions can exacerbate feelings of fear and insecurity, leading to controlling behaviors as a form of self-protection.

Mental health is just as important as physical health, and recognizing and addressing these issues can be a vital step towards healthier relationship dynamics.

Final thoughts: The journey toward understanding

Navigating a relationship with a partner who exhibits controlling behavior can be challenging and emotionally draining.

However, understanding the eight formative experiences that may have contributed to these tendencies can provide clarity and compassion.

Recognizing that his behavior stems from unresolved fears and insecurities can help you approach the situation with empathy, opening the door to constructive conversations and healthier dynamics.

While it’s essential to establish boundaries and prioritize your well-being, this newfound understanding may pave the way for deeper connection and growth—for both of you.

Change is always possible. We can learn from our past without being bound by it. We can choose to break the cycle and strive for healthier relationships. 

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Isabella Chase

Isabella Chase

Isabella Chase, a New York City native, writes about the complexities of modern life and relationships. Her articles draw from her experiences navigating the vibrant and diverse social landscape of the city. Isabella’s insights are about finding harmony in the chaos and building strong, authentic connections in a fast-paced world.

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