Men who pretend to be kind but actually aren’t usually display these 8 subtle behaviors

Some men seem genuinely kind on the surface, but their behavior tells a different story.

It’s often easy to be drawn in by acts of generosity or displays of thoughtfulness, yet there are subtle signs that indicate when a man’s kindness isn’t as sincere as it appears.

These behaviors may go unnoticed at first, but they can reveal deeper intentions once you look closely.

If you’ve ever felt that someone’s kindness had strings attached or wasn’t entirely genuine, it’s worth examining these subtle signs that can often be overlooked.

This article delves into the behaviors that men often display when their so-called kindness is merely a facade for less noble intentions.

1) Being overly generous

Generosity is a virtue, but it can also be a mask.

When a man goes out of his way to be generous, it can be difficult to question his motives. After all, he’s doing good things, right? But there’s a fine line between genuine kindness and manipulative generosity.

If he’s always the one picking up the tab, showering you with expensive gifts or insisting on doing you big favors, it might be time to take a step back and wonder why.

Is he genuinely kind-hearted or is he trying to create a debt of gratitude?

Real kindness doesn’t come with strings attached.

If you start to feel like you owe him something in return for his generosity, it might be an indication that his kindness is not as genuine as it seems.

2) They always play the victim

It’s a tough pill to swallow, but some men use their ‘kindness’ as a way to garner sympathy and manipulate situations.

I once dated a man who seemed kind, considerate, and attentive. But whenever we disagreed on something, he had an uncanny ability to turn things around so he was always the victim.

Even when he was clearly in the wrong, he’d find a way to make me feel guilty for being upset. It was subtle and I didn’t recognize it for what it was at first.

But over time, I started to realize that his ‘kindness’ was just a tool he used to control situations and people.

Genuine kindness means taking responsibility for your actions and not always playing the victim card.

3) Their kindness is inconsistent

Kindness isn’t something that turns on and off based on convenience or circumstance. It’s a steady characteristic that reveals itself consistently in a person’s actions.

Yet, some men show kindness sporadically, only when it serves their purpose or when they’re in a good mood. They’re all smiles and politeness one day, then cold and distant the next.

This inconsistency can be confusing and exhausting. It’s as if you’re dealing with two different people – the kind man you fell for and his less likable alter ego.

4) They use kindness as a shield

Psychologists call it ‘impression management‘ – the way people consciously or subconsciously try to control how others perceive them.

This isn’t inherently negative. We all want to put our best foot forward, especially when we meet new people.

But some men take this to another level by using their ‘kindness’ as a shield to hide their true intentions or personality traits.

They might volunteer at a local charity, help an elderly neighbor with groceries, or always be the one to comfort a friend in need.

But if these actions feel more like a performance than genuine kindness, it’s worth taking a closer look.

True kindness comes from within and does not need constant validation or applause.

If a man’s kindness feels more like a well-rehearsed act, it might be a sign that he’s using it as a shield to hide his true character.

5) They use kindness as a manipulation tool

Kindness should never be used as a weapon or a tool for manipulation. Yet, some men do exactly that.

They might shower you with kindness and attention, making you feel special and cherished.

But the moment you disagree with them or assert your boundaries, they pull back their kindness, leaving you feeling guilty and eager to please them again.

This is a classic manipulation tactic known as ‘love bombing‘, followed by ‘withdrawal’. It’s a way to control you and keep you on your toes, always striving to keep their approval.

6) They are only kind when they want something

This can be one of the hardest behaviors to spot because, initially, it can feel flattering. You might think, “He’s being so nice to me because he really likes me.”

But over time, a pattern emerges. He’s incredibly kind and attentive when he needs a favor or wants to get his way. But once he gets what he wants, the kindness fades.

It’s like a light switch that he flips on and off to suit his needs. This is not genuine kindness. It’s a calculated move designed to get what he wants.

True kindness is selfless and does not seek anything in return. 

7) They use kindness to deflect criticism

Nobody’s perfect and we all have our flaws. But when a man uses his ‘kindness’ to deflect criticism or avoid taking responsibility, it can be a subtle sign that his kindness is not genuine.

For example, if he does something wrong and you call him out on it, he might respond with a series of kind gestures or compliments aimed at diverting your attention from the issue at hand.

It’s as if he’s saying, “How can I be at fault? Look at all these nice things I do.”

But genuine kindness doesn’t give anyone a free pass to avoid accountability.

8) They are kind to you but not to others

This might be the most revealing behavior of all. Often, men who pretend to be kind will show their true colors in how they treat others.

He might be sweet and attentive to you, but if he’s rude to the waiter, dismissive of his friends, or unkind to his family, it’s a big red flag.

It shows that his kindness is selective and likely just a tool he uses to achieve certain goals.

True kindness is universal. It extends to all people, regardless of their status or what they can offer in return.

Final reflections

Understanding the difference between genuine kindness and a manipulative facade is crucial in relationships.

When a man’s actions are inconsistent, when his kindness is selective, or when he uses it to deflect criticism, it’s a sign that his behavior may be more self-serving than caring.

True kindness isn’t just about performing good deeds; it’s about having empathy, being considerate without expecting anything in return, and showing respect to everyone, not just certain people.

Paying attention to these behaviors can help you protect yourself from emotional manipulation and ensure that you build relationships rooted in genuine care and authenticity.