10 subtle hints you’re a ‘people pleaser’ despite your assertive front

Think you’ve got a strong, assertive persona?

That might be true on the surface, but here’s the thing — many people who appear confident and self-assured still carry people-pleasing tendencies beneath it all.

It’s not always obvious, even to yourself.

These tendencies often show up in subtle ways, like over-apologizing, bending your boundaries, or feeling secretly drained after interactions.

The truth is, you can seem bold and outspoken while still seeking approval or avoiding conflict at all costs.

In this article, we’ll uncover 10 subtle signs that suggest you might be a people pleaser, even if you project a confident front.

1) You’re always the peacemaker

There’s a certain nobility in being the person who always wants to keep the peace. It’s a trait often admired in leaders and mediators.

But when you start examining it closely, it might not be as noble as it seems.

If you find that you’re always the one smoothing over conflicts, stepping in to mediate disputes and trying to make everyone happy, you could be disguising a people-pleasing tendency with an assertive front.

The key question to ask yourself is this: Are you seeking peace because it’s the right thing to do, or because you can’t stand the idea of anyone being upset, especially with you?

Being the peacemaker all the time isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it can indicate that you’re more focused on keeping everyone else happy than standing your ground. 

Believe me, it’s okay for people to disagree sometimes – that’s just part of life.

2) You struggle to say ‘no’

It took me a while to realize this about myself, but I used to have a real problem saying ‘no’.

My calendar was always full, I was always “the reliable one”, and I prided myself on being able to juggle a million things at once.

But then I began noticing a pattern.

Whenever someone asked me for a favor or to take on an extra task, my immediate instinct was to agree, regardless of my own schedule or needs.

I’d find myself overloaded with commitments, stressed and burnt out. But the thought of letting someone down, of saying ‘no’, filled me with anxiety.

What I came to realize is that this wasn’t assertiveness – it was people-pleasing. I was agreeing to things not because I wanted to or felt it was the right thing to do, but because I didn’t want to upset anyone or ruin their perception of me as ‘reliable’.

If you find yourself unable to say ‘no’, even when it’s in your best interest, you might be a people pleaser hiding behind an assertive front.

It’s essential to learn that saying ‘no’ sometimes doesn’t make you unreliable or unkind – it makes you human.

3) You constantly apologize

Apologetic language is a telltale sign of a people pleaser.

While it’s important to apologize when you’ve done something wrong, constant, unnecessary apologies can signal a deeper issue. It often stems from a subconscious fear of causing offense or displeasing others.

Research shows that people who over-apologize tend to have higher levels of stress and lower self-esteem. This is because they often perceive their actions as negative, even when they’re not.

If you find yourself saying ‘sorry’ all the time, even in situations where it’s not warranted, you might be a people pleaser.

An assertive front doesn’t change the fact that excessive apologizing is a form of pacification. Remember, you don’t have to apologize for existing or taking up space in the world.

4) You’re uncomfortable with confrontation

Confrontation is a part of life.

It’s not always pleasant, but it is necessary.

However, if the mere thought of a disagreement makes you anxious or you find yourself going to great lengths to avoid confrontation, it could be a sign of a people-pleasing personality.

People pleasers often fear confrontation because they worry it will lead to conflict, and conflict could lead to someone being upset with them.

They would rather keep the peace at all costs, even if it means compromising their own needs or feelings.

If you’re always sidestepping confrontation, even when it’s necessary, it might be time to reevaluate.

Standing up for yourself or expressing your views doesn’t make you confrontational – it makes you assertive. And that’s a trait worth cultivating.

5) You feel personally responsible for others’ happiness

Do you often find yourself going above and beyond to make others happy? Do you feel a sense of guilt or disappointment when someone around you isn’t in good spirits as if it’s your responsibility to cheer them up?

Well, if this sounds familiar, you might be a people pleaser.

People pleasers often carry the weight of others’ emotions on their shoulders, feeling personally responsible for ensuring everyone around them is happy.

This can lead to overextending oneself and ignoring personal needs.

Yes, it’s nice to bring joy to others, but guess what?

It’s not your job to manage everyone else’s happiness.

Each individual is responsible for their own emotions and well-being. It’s important to balance caring for others with self-care.

6) You suppress your own feelings

It’s a hard truth to swallow, but often we people pleasers tend to push down our own feelings in our quest to keep everyone else content.

We might be bubbling with anger or drowning in sadness, but we’ll plaster on that smile and say we’re just fine.

This constant suppression of emotions can take a serious toll on our mental health. It’s like trying to hold a beach ball underwater – it’s only a matter of time before it bursts back up, often with greater force.

The right is that your feelings are valid and you have every right to express them.

Being assertive means standing up for your own emotional needs, not just pleasing others. It’s okay to let the beach ball float on the surface sometimes.

7) You struggle with decision-making

There was a time when choosing a restaurant for a dinner outing would give me anxiety.

I’d worry about picking a place that everyone would like, about the cost, the ambiance, and the food preferences. The fear of making a wrong choice, of disappointing others, would gnaw at me.

This is a common trait among people pleasers – decision-making becomes a daunting task because we’re so concerned with keeping everyone else satisfied. Even the simplest decisions can seem like monumental tasks.

But what I’ve learned over time is that it’s impossible to please everyone, and that’s okay. It’s more important to make choices that align with your own needs and preferences.

8) You’re overly empathetic

Empathy is a beautiful quality.

It allows us to understand and share the feelings of others, fostering deeper connections. However, when empathy becomes excessive, it can turn into a form of people-pleasing.

If you find yourself constantly absorbing others’ emotions and going out of your way to alleviate their distress, you might be using empathy as a tool for keeping everyone around you content.

While this might seem like a virtue, it can lead to emotional exhaustion and burnout.

Here’s the thing:

It’s possible to empathize with others without shouldering their emotions. Empathy should not come at the cost of your own well-being. Healthy boundaries are key to maintaining balance.

9) You’re always seeking validation

If you constantly seek approval or validation from others, it could be a sign that you’re a people pleaser.

You might place a lot of importance on compliments or positive feedback and feel disappointed or dejected when it’s not forthcoming.

This constant need for validation can stem from the fear of disappointing others or being seen in a negative light. It’s as if your self-worth is tied to how others perceive you.

Your worth is not defined by the opinions of others. It’s okay to make mistakes and it’s okay if everyone doesn’t always agree with you.

10) You neglect your own needs

At the heart of people-pleasing behavior is a tendency to neglect one’s own needs.

You might find yourself always prioritizing others, even at the expense of your own well-being.

Whether it’s sacrificing your time, your energy, or even your happiness, putting others before yourself is a clear sign of a people pleaser.

It’s as if your needs and wants don’t matter as much as everyone else’s.

Trust me, it’s not selfish to take care of yourself. Your needs are just as important as anyone else’s.

Taking care of yourself is not just a right – it’s a necessity.

Wrapping up: Reflecting on the journey

Becoming aware of our tendencies and patterns is an important step towards growth and self-improvement.

As we’ve unraveled the subtle signs of being a ‘people pleaser’ despite an assertive front, it’s essential to remember that these traits don’t define us, but rather give us a starting point to understand ourselves better.

Psychological studies suggest that people-pleasing traits often stem from early life experiences and learned behaviors.

This acknowledgment can be empowering, reminding us that learned behaviors can also be unlearned or adjusted over time.

If you recognize yourself in these signs, it’s not a cause for alarm but an invitation to introspection.

After all, you can’t pour from an empty cup. Take care of yourself, not just because you deserve it, but because it enables you to show up as your best self for others too.