Intimacy in a Christian marriage can be a delicate subject.
We know it’s a precious gift from God, yet it can also be a source of vulnerability and occasional conflict.
Over the years, I’ve listened to various Christian marriage counselors speak on the power of our words in shaping a safe, loving environment with our spouse.
Those words matter just as much in the intimate parts of our relationship as they do anywhere else.
Below are 7 phrases or comments they’ve warned couples against using—no matter how tense or awkward a situation might feel.
Having navigated the highs and lows in my own 20-plus-year marriage, I’ve learned that these expressions often do more harm than good. Let’s walk through why each one can be damaging and what we can do instead to foster trust and respect.
1. “You’re the only one who seems to have a problem.”
This statement can make a spouse feel singled out and invalidated.
Even if you believe you’re okay with how often (or how little) you connect, if your partner expresses discomfort or longing, it’s an issue worth addressing.
Christian marriage counselors often remind us that intimacy is a two-way street—both spouses matter. Instead of implying your partner’s concerns aren’t valid, try something like, “I hear you. Let’s explore what we need to feel more secure.”
I’ve seen this principle play out in my own life. Early in our marriage, my husband Daniel and I were adjusting to parenthood and juggling full-time jobs.
Our schedules were chaotic, which affected our connection. I remember the temptation to say, “Hey, I’m fine, what’s your problem?”
But that would’ve only pushed him away. When we choose empathy over dismissal, we honor the oneness God intended for marriage (Genesis 2:24).
2. “That’s just how I am. Deal with it.”
This phrase cuts off any chance for growth.
We’re all shaped by past experiences and personal preferences, but marriage is about continual adaptation and consideration of the other person.
Saying “That’s just how I am” puts up a wall and makes compromise sound impossible.
Counselors stress that part of a healthy, God-centered marriage is daily transformation — allowing the Holy Spirit to shape our hearts.
Ephesians 4:2 calls us to be “completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” Stubbornly clinging to an unyielding stance neglects that call.
Instead, we can say, “I know I’m not perfect. Can you help me understand how to meet you halfway?”
3. “This is your fault.”
Pointing fingers rarely leads to a loving conversation, especially in sensitive areas like physical or emotional closeness. This phrase can stir up shame or anger.
Christian marriage counselors mention how blame undermines unity and puts couples on opposing teams.
Instead, they suggest using “we” language to tackle problems together. Even if you feel certain your partner made a mistake, try to approach the issue as a shared challenge.
A more helpful approach might be: “How can we address what went wrong and rebuild trust?”
This mindset nurtures unity rather than division, reflecting the biblical call to walk in oneness.
4. “You should just know what I want by now.”
I used to think Daniel could somehow read my mind — especially after so many years together. Then I realized I was expecting him to magically interpret my unspoken desires.
That’s a recipe for miscommunication.
Christian counselors often point out that healthy marriages rely on clear, open dialogue. It’s unfair to expect your spouse to grasp every nuance of your emotional or physical needs without you expressing them.
God designed marriage for two unique individuals to grow in understanding together.
So if you feel the impulse to say, “You should just know,” try slowing down and kindly sharing what’s on your heart.
A practical approach might be, “I appreciate it when we talk about our preferences. Can we open up about what each of us finds meaningful?”
5. “It’s not that important anyway.”
Dismissing intimacy as unimportant can leave a spouse feeling rejected or even questioning their worth in the relationship.
From a Christian perspective, intimacy is more than a physical act — it’s a reflection of unity, vulnerability, and self-giving love.
I recall moments during my busiest seasons of ministry work when I’d wave off Daniel’s attempts at closeness because of sheer exhaustion.
In hindsight, I see how that made him feel undervalued. Counselors remind us that God designed intimacy to be a significant part of marriage—spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
Rather than brushing it aside, consider saying: “I’m tired right now, but I value our closeness. Could we find a time soon to reconnect and be more intentional?”
6. “I heard other couples do it this way—why can’t we?”
Comparisons, especially in the realm of intimacy, can open the door to envy, insecurity, or unrealistic expectations.
God created each couple’s dynamic to be unique, and what works for one marriage might not be ideal for another.
When I was younger, I occasionally compared Daniel’s expressions of affection to stories I’d heard from friends. That comparison drained the joy from our own intimate moments.
Christian marriage counselors often point to 1 Corinthians 13:4-5, highlighting that love doesn’t envy and isn’t self-seeking.
Instead, we can keep the conversation focused on our personal experiences and needs: “Can we talk about what we both want and how to meet in the middle?”
7. “You never…” or “You always…”
Absolute statements like “never” or “always” can be especially damaging.
They paint a picture of hopelessness and ignore any effort your spouse may have made in the past. These words lock the conversation in extremes, leaving no room for understanding or growth.
A healthier way is to focus on the current concern. Instead of, “You never show any interest,” try, “I’ve been feeling distant lately and would love for us to reconnect.”
That slight shift allows for a more productive dialogue.
If there’s a pattern that genuinely needs addressing, it’s okay to point it out gently but avoid phrases that dismiss all positive history.
God’s Word calls us to speak truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), which means we stay honest, yet gentle and hopeful.
Encouragement and a path forward
Even in a loving marriage, conversations about intimacy can be complicated. Emotions run high, vulnerabilities surface, and fear of judgment or rejection can slip in.
I’ve personally had to learn (and re-learn) the art of gentle, Spirit-led communication.
Fortunately, our words can heal and unite just as effectively as they can tear down, especially when guided by biblical wisdom.
If you’ve used any of these phrases before, don’t lose heart. God’s grace covers our mistakes, and there’s always a chance to repair and strengthen what feels broken.
Below are a few quick tips that have helped me maintain a Christ-centered, encouraging approach to these conversations:
- Pray together before you talk: Invite God’s presence into your discussions. It sets a respectful tone from the start.
- Practice active listening: Let your partner finish speaking before you respond. This small habit fosters empathy and patience.
- Use “I feel” statements: They help your spouse understand your emotions without feeling attacked.
- Seek guidance if needed: Sometimes a pastor, mentor, or Christian marriage counselor can provide a neutral perspective and biblical guidance.
- Celebrate progress: If you’ve made steps toward healthier communication, pause to acknowledge how far you’ve come.
Our marriages have the potential to mirror Christ’s selfless love.
When we handle the subject of intimacy with empathy, clear communication, and humility, we create a sanctuary for our spouse.
There may be bumps in the road—even after decades of being together—but with God’s grace, each hurdle can become a stepping stone to a deeper connection.
Here’s one final thought I offer myself and anyone who feels apprehensive about bringing up delicate issues:
You and your spouse are on the same team.
Words have tremendous power, and using them wisely can help you both nurture a loving, fulfilling, and God-honoring marriage.
What would Jesus say?
Unsure whether to move on from a failed marriage? Struggling with desire and feeling guilty for it? Wanting to live a life Jesus would be proud of?
Let Jesus tell you how to be a good Christian according to the teachings of the Bible.
We brought Jesus back to life with the help of AI. Ask your toughest life questions, and Jesus will tell you exactly what to do.
