People-pleasing — we’ve all done it to some extent, but how far does your tendency to appease others go? Do you ever find yourself compromising your own needs or values just to keep others happy?
According to psychology, this constant desire to please can be more damaging than you think.
I’ve been there too, always agreeing, always giving in, all in the name of avoiding conflict.
But how do you know if you’re a true people-pleaser?
Well, there are some clear warning signs that can help you figure it out.
In this article, I’m going to share 9 of these signs with you. Trust me, recognizing them can be the first step towards a healthier approach to relationships and self-worth.
1) You have trouble saying ‘No’
Let’s talk about that dreaded two-letter word – ‘No’.
For a people-pleaser, this word can feel like a heavy burden.
Does it make you uncomfortable? Do you feel guilty or worry about disappointing others when you use it?
According to psychology, an inability to say ‘No’ is one of the most telling signs of a people-pleaser.
You see, people-pleasers often find themselves caught in a cycle of over-commitment, as they consistently put others’ needs and wants before their own.
This is not about being generous or kind, but rather an unhealthy habit of constantly prioritizing the satisfaction of others at the expense of your own well-being.
And yes, it can be a tough habit to break.
Yet, acknowledging this can be a crucial first step in reclaiming your time and setting healthier boundaries.
2) You’re overly concerned with what others think
Ever noticed how much you care about other people’s opinions?
Well, here’s the thing:
People-pleasers often allow the views and judgments of others to heavily influence their actions and decisions.
This psychological phenomenon is known as “social approval.” It’s a powerful motivator, pushing us to conform in order to be accepted by our peers.
But when seeking social approval starts to dictate your every move, it might be a sign that you’re a people-pleaser.
If you constantly find yourself worrying about what others think, altering your behavior to match their expectations, or feeling anxious about potential criticism, then this could be a clear sign.
It’s natural to value the opinions of others. But living under the constant pressure of meeting everyone else’s expectations?
That’s unhealthy.
And guess what? It’s okay to put your own needs first sometimes.
3) You feel responsible for other people’s emotions
Now, you might think that being sensitive to others’ feelings is a good thing.
And it is, to an extent.
However, there’s a fine line between empathy and shouldering the emotional burden of others.
People-pleasers often find themselves on the wrong side of this line. They feel a deep sense of responsibility for other people’s emotional states.
If someone’s upset, they feel it’s their job to cheer them up. If there’s conflict, they feel compelled to smooth things over, even when it’s not their fight.
This stems from the same desire for social approval that we discussed in the previous point.
But here’s the counter-intuitive part: while it might seem like a selfless act, constantly taking responsibility for others’ emotions can actually be harmful.
It can lead to emotional burnout and resentment over time, not to mention that it robs others of their own emotional autonomy.
4) You’re always available
Are you the person who is always available, no matter what?
Being dependable is a wonderful trait, but there’s a difference between being reliable and never allowing yourself any downtime.
People-pleasers often feel the need to be constantly available for others, whether it’s answering calls in the middle of the night or canceling personal plans to accommodate someone else’s needs.
This might make you feel needed in the short term, but in the long run, it can lead to overwork, stress, and even resentment.
Not to mention, it can disrupt your own personal life and commitments.
Take a moment to reflect on this: Are you sacrificing your own time and energy at the expense of your well-being?
Remember, it’s okay and even necessary to set boundaries. Your time is valuable too.
5) Your self-esteem depends on pleasing others
As a people-pleaser, your sense of self-worth may be closely tied to how well you can meet the needs and expectations of others.
Instead of deriving self-esteem from your personal achievements or intrinsic worth, you might find that it largely depends on external validation.
This can include:
- Constantly seeking approval from others
- Feeling good about yourself when you’re able to make others happy
- Feeling down or inadequate when you perceive that you’ve disappointed someone
This is a precarious position to be in, because it means your self-esteem fluctuates based on the reactions and opinions of others.
It’s important to realize that your worth is not defined by how much you please others. You are valuable just as you are.
6) You rarely express your own needs and desires
Let’s get personal for a moment:
When was the last time you truly voiced your own needs and desires?
If you’re a people-pleaser like I once was, chances are it’s been a while.
People-pleasers often suppress their own wants and needs to prioritize those of others. It’s almost as though they’re afraid that expressing their true desires will burden others or lead to conflict.
I know it can be tough. We often feel the need to keep the peace, to maintain harmony at all costs. But this can mean neglecting our own desires and needs in the process.
The thing is that expressing your needs is not selfish. It’s a necessary part of maintaining healthy relationships and a healthy sense of self.
So let’s try it, one step at a time. Your voice matters too.
7) You struggle with conflict and criticism
Imagine this: you’re in a meeting at work, and your colleague criticizes your project. Or maybe a friend points out something they don’t like about what you said or did.
How do you react?
If your immediate response is to apologize profusely, smooth things over, or internalize the criticism, it may be another sign that you’re a people-pleaser.
People-pleasers tend to view conflict or criticism as a personal failure. They struggle with it, often going to great lengths to avoid it or fix it immediately, even when it’s not necessary.
But here’s a question to ponder: Is it really your responsibility to prevent or resolve all conflicts?
After all, conflict is a natural part of human interaction and can lead to growth and better understanding if handled constructively.
And criticism, while sometimes challenging to accept, can be a valuable tool for personal and professional development.
8) You often feel overwhelmed and exhausted
As a people-pleaser, you might find yourself feeling chronically overwhelmed and tired.
I remember a time when I was always the go-to person for everyone around me. My friends, my family, my colleagues – they all knew they could count on me for anything. Sounds great, right?
But here’s the catch: I was constantly drained. The constant cycle of pleasing others left me with little to no energy for myself.
You see, when you’re always putting others first, it’s easy to forget to take care of yourself. This can lead to a state of chronic stress and exhaustion.
It’s essential to remember that your energy and well-being are vital too. Taking time for self-care is not selfish; it’s necessary for your mental and physical health.
You can’t pour from an empty cup, as they say. That’s why you should make sure to refill yours regularly.
9) You have difficulty making decisions
And here we are, at the final point.
People-pleasers often struggle with decision-making. Whether it’s choosing a restaurant for dinner or making a major career move, you might find yourself constantly second-guessing your choices or deferring to others.
Why is this? Well, at the core of this struggle is the fear of disappointing others or making a wrong choice that others might judge.
The key thing to remember here is that it’s your life. Other people’s opinions should never dictate your decisions.
It’s okay to make mistakes, and it’s okay to choose what makes you happy. After all, it’s through our own choices that we grow and learn.
Are you ready to break the people-pleasing cycle?
Recognizing that you’re a people-pleaser is the first important step towards change. But what comes next?
Here are a few things to start with:
- Practice setting boundaries: Learn to say ‘No’ without feeling guilty. You can’t be everything to everyone.
- Explore self-care: Prioritize time for yourself and your own well-being. It’s not selfish; it’s essential.
- Seek professional help: If you find it hard to break the cycle, consider seeking help from a mental health professional.
Believe me, it’s okay to put yourself first. You are not responsible for everyone else’s happiness.
It’s a journey, and journeys take time. So, go easy on yourself.
Let’s take this step towards change together. You’re just as important as everyone else.
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