People who are kind on the surface but mean underneath often display these 8 specific behaviors

There’s a fine line between being genuinely kind and just appearing to be. Some people seem nice on the surface but hide mean tendencies underneath.

This difference lies in the consistency of their actions. Those who are truly kind are consistent, while those who aren’t may show kindness one moment and meanness the next.

Recognizing these signs can be tricky, but there are 8 specific behaviors that can tip you off. I’m going to share these with you, so you can better navigate your relationships and steer clear of those who aren’t as kind as they seem.

Here’s a look at the behaviors that are often displayed by people who appear kind on the surface but are mean underneath.

1) Inconsistency in behavior

The first telltale sign of people who are kind on the surface but mean underneath is inconsistency.

One moment, they’re the epitome of kindness, and the next, they’re showing a mean streak. This lack of consistency can be quite confusing and even unsettling.

This inconsistency isn’t about having a bad day or occasional mood swings, which we all experience. It’s about a pattern of behavior that oscillates between being overly kind and unreasonably mean.

The key here is to pay attention to these fluctuations. If someone’s behavior towards you or others frequently flip-flops, it might be a red flag that their kindness isn’t as genuine as it seems.

Keep this in mind when dealing with people in your life. It could save you from unnecessary stress and disappointment down the line.

2) Backhanded compliments

Another behavior often displayed by people who are kind on the surface but mean underneath is the use of backhanded compliments.

These are comments that initially sound like a compliment but actually carry a subtle insult or put-down. For example, someone might say, “You’re smarter than you look,” or “You did a great job, considering.”

Let me share a personal encounter. I once had a colleague who seemed very friendly and kind. We’d often chat and exchange ideas during lunch breaks. But I started noticing a pattern in his compliments that didn’t quite sit right with me.

After every presentation I gave, he’d say something like, “That was really good. I didn’t expect you to pull it off.” Initially, I brushed it off, thinking he was just joking. But as it kept happening, I realized these were backhanded compliments aimed at undermining my confidence.

If you notice someone often giving you what seems like a compliment with a sting in its tail, it could be an indication that they aren’t as kind as they appear.

3) They often play the victim

Another behavior characteristic of people who are kind on the surface but mean underneath is their tendency to play the victim.

When confronted about their mean behavior, they often divert the blame onto others, claiming they were provoked or treated unfairly. This allows them to maintain their “kind” facade while avoiding responsibility for their actions.

Individuals who frequently play the victim may be struggling with what psychologists call ‘victim syndrome’. This is a complex psychological condition where an individual habitually seeks to gain attention or avoid personal growth and responsibility by portraying themselves as a victim.

4) They use kindness as a manipulation tool

People who are kind on the surface but mean underneath often use kindness as a tool for manipulation.

They might be extremely nice one moment, especially when they need something from you. But once they get what they want, their true colors start to show.

They may become dismissive, ignoring your needs and concerns, or even resort to mean comments and actions. It’s a classic case of conditional kindness, where their niceness is dependent on what they can gain from you.

If you notice someone’s kindness seems to have strings attached, it might be time to reassess your relationship with them. Genuine kindness is freely given, not used as a bargaining chip.

5) They rarely show empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, and it’s a key component of genuine kindness.

People who are kind on the surface but mean underneath, however, often lack this important trait. They may appear sympathetic and say all the right things, but their actions often fail to show real understanding or shared emotion.

When you’re going through a tough time, they might offer platitudes or generic advice without really acknowledging your feelings. This lack of empathy can make interactions feel shallow and insincere.

It’s not just about saying the right words. True kindness involves empathy and understanding. If someone’s kindness feels hollow, it might be because it’s missing this crucial ingredient.

6) They gossip and spread rumors

Another behavior common to those who are kind on the surface but mean underneath is a tendency to gossip or spread rumors.

I remember a time when I was close friends with someone who seemed really nice. We used to hang out together, share secrets, and had a lot of fun. However, I started hearing things about myself that I had only shared with this friend.

At first, I couldn’t believe it. But then, I noticed her talking about others when they weren’t around, sharing their personal stories as if they were hers to tell. That’s when it hit me: she was spreading rumors and gossiping, using the information she got from her friends.

This taught me a powerful lesson. If someone seems to enjoy gossip and doesn’t respect confidentiality, their kindness may just be a facade. True friends respect your privacy and don’t use your secrets as fodder for gossip.

7) They’re excessively competitive

A little competition never hurt anyone, but there’s a difference between healthy competition and constant one-upmanship. People who are kind on the surface but mean underneath often exhibit the latter.

They can’t stand to see others succeed without trying to outdo them. They turn everything into a competition, always trying to prove that they’re better rather than being genuinely happy for others’ success.

This competitive nature often masks their underlying meanness. If someone always has to be the best, at the expense of others, their kindness might not run very deep. Remember, true kindness involves lifting others up, not pushing them down to elevate oneself.

8) They’re only kind to certain people

The last behavior often displayed by people who are kind on the surface but mean underneath is selective kindness.

They’re incredibly nice to some people, usually those they perceive as beneficial to them or those in positions of power. However, they may treat others, particularly those who can’t ‘benefit’ them, with indifference or even rudeness.

This selective kindness is a major red flag. Genuine kindness doesn’t discriminate. It extends to everyone, regardless of their status or what they can offer in return. So if you notice someone’s kindness seems to have a selective switch, be cautious. Their niceness might not be as genuine as it appears.

Final thoughts: Authenticity is key

The complexity of human behavior is both fascinating and perplexing. As we navigate the labyrinth of interpersonal relationships, it’s essential to stay aware of the signs and traits of those who might not be as kind as they seem.

The philosopher Plato once said, “Appearances are often deceiving.” This quote rings true in the context of people who are kind on the surface but mean underneath. It’s a timely reminder not to take everything at face value.

Understanding these behaviors can help us make informed decisions about our interactions and relationships. We can choose to surround ourselves with people who are genuinely kind, empathetic, and respectful.

However, it’s crucial to remember that we’re all human, with our flaws and inconsistencies. Navigating these complexities with understanding and empathy can lead us to more authentic and rewarding relationships.

After all, the essence of true kindness lies not just in how we treat others but also in how we understand and respond to their behaviors. And therein lies the beauty of human connections.