People who bring childhood baggage into their adult relationships usually display these 7 behaviors (without realizing it)

If someone clings too tightly, it could be fear. If they’re overly independent, it could be past neglect. Unpacking the baggage of human behavior isn’t always straightforward.

Indeed, the human psyche is a labyrinth, layered with experiences from our past that shape our present actions, often without us realizing it.

Particularly, when it comes to adult relationships, childhood baggage often plays a surprising role. And those who carry this baggage usually display certain behaviors.

1) They exhibit an intense fear of abandonment

Feelings can be a minefield.

One moment, everything is calm. The next, an explosion of emotion. For most of us, it’s part of the human experience. But for those carrying childhood baggage into their adult relationships, it’s often more intense.

Imagine doubling the emotional load. Not just your feelings, but also a deep-seated fear rooted in past experiences – fear of abandonment. It’s an extra suitcase they carry around, often without realizing it.

This fear doesn’t just appear out of nowhere. It stems from their childhood experiences and manifests in their adult relationships in subtle yet profound ways.

They might cling a bit too tightly or panic at the slightest hint of distance. They may become overly anxious when their partner is away or constantly seek reassurances of love and commitment.

2) They struggle with self-worth

Ah, self-worth. It’s a tricky one, isn’t it?

I remember a time when I felt like I was constantly trying to prove my worth in relationships. I’d bend over backwards, do all the giving, all the compromising, just to feel valued. But no matter what I did, it never felt enough.

It took me a while to realize that this drive stemmed from my childhood experiences. Growing up, I had always felt the need to earn love and approval. That same need had spilled over into my adult relationships, making me feel like I constantly had to earn my place.

For those carrying childhood baggage, this struggle with self-worth can be a common theme. They might constantly seek validation or go out of their way to please their partner, often at the expense of their own needs.

It’s not an easy habit to break, but awareness is the first step towards healing. We’re all works in progress, and it’s never too late to start unpacking that baggage.

3) They have a hard time trusting others

I know it seems counterintuitive, but trust is not a given in relationships. It’s something that is built over time, through consistent actions and reliability. However, for those lugging around childhood baggage, trust can be a high wall to climb.

Insecurity and anxiety often go hand in hand with trust issues. They can stem from early experiences where trust was broken – maybe by a parent, a close friend, or a family member.

In fact, according to a study published in the American Journal of Psychiatry, individuals who’ve experienced early life stressors are more likely to have trust issues in their adult relationships.

They may question their partner’s motives, expect the worst, or struggle with paranoia. It’s not that they want to feel this way. It’s just part of the heavy load they’re carrying from their past.

4) They often avoid conflicts

Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship. Whether it’s a squabble over who left the dishes in the sink or a heated disagreement about finances, clashes are bound to occur.

However, for those with childhood baggage, conflicts can be a terrifying prospect. If they grew up in a volatile environment where disagreements led to explosive arguments or violence, they might associate conflict with danger.

As a result, they may go out of their way to avoid disagreements, even if it means suppressing their own feelings or needs. They might become overly accommodating or agreeable, just to keep the peace.

This avoidance doesn’t solve the underlying issues though. It just buries them deeper, making them harder to address in the long run.

5) They struggle with expressing emotions

Emotions and I have always had a complicated relationship. I used to believe that showing them made me weak, so I kept them bottled up, hidden behind a tough exterior.

Turns out, I wasn’t alone in this. Many people who carry childhood baggage into their adult relationships have a difficult time expressing their emotions. If their feelings were dismissed or invalidated as children, they may have learned to suppress them.

They might downplay their feelings, brush off compliments, or have a hard time accepting love and kindness. In severe cases, they might even struggle to identify and name their emotions, a condition known as alexithymia.

Understanding this struggle is crucial because communication is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. 

6) They’re often overly responsible

Responsibility is generally seen as a good thing, right? But what if it’s taken to an extreme?

Some people with childhood baggage tend to shoulder an excessive amount of responsibility in their adult relationships. It’s as if they’re carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders, always trying to fix things, solve problems, and keep everyone happy.

This behavior often stems from a childhood where they had to grow up too fast, taking on adult responsibilities at an early age. As adults, they continue this pattern, often neglecting their own needs in the process.

While it might seem like they’re just being helpful or dependable, this over-responsibility can lead to burnout and resentment. 

7) They have a tendency to self-sabotage

Ever seen someone on the brink of something great, only to throw it all away? That’s self-sabotage at work.

For those with unresolved childhood trauma, self-sabotage can be a common pattern in their adult relationships. It’s as if they’re driving with one foot on the brake, never fully allowing themselves to be happy or successful.

This behavior often stems from a deep-seated belief that they don’t deserve good things or that these good things won’t last. So they unconsciously create problems that confirm their negative beliefs.

Recognizing this self-sabotaging behavior is crucial for breaking the cycle – challenging those negative beliefs and learning to believe that they are worthy of love, success, and happiness.

Reflections on carrying childhood baggage

If you’ve made it this far, you might be reflecting on your own behaviors or those of someone close to you. And that’s a good thing.

Because understanding the impact of childhood baggage isn’t about pointing fingers or laying blame. It’s about gaining insight into why we behave the way we do in our relationships. It’s about compassion, empathy, and understanding – for ourselves and others.

Dr. Jonice Webb, a psychologist specializing in Childhood Emotional Neglect, once said, “The truth is, you cannot choose how you feel, but you can choose what you do about it.”

Carrying childhood baggage into adult relationships isn’t a life sentence. It’s a part of our journey, a part of who we are. But it doesn’t define us. Recognizing these behaviors is the first step on the path to healing and growth.

Take a moment to reflect on what you’ve read. What resonates with you? What feels unfamiliar? And most importantly, what steps can you take towards unpacking your own baggage?

After all, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.