People who hold onto grudges and resentment often display these 8 subtle behaviors (without realizing it)

I’ve been there—holding onto something from the past, letting it simmer just beneath the surface.

It’s surprisingly easy to carry a grudge without even realizing it.

Maybe it’s a comment that stung more than it should have, or a betrayal that you just can’t seem to shake.

These feelings don’t always announce themselves loudly; they slip into our everyday actions, shaping how we react and how we see the world.

In this article, I’ll walk you through eight subtle signs that might indicate you (or someone else around you) might be holding onto a grudge. It’s time to shine a light on what’s been lurking in the background.

1) Unresolved anger

Those who hold onto grudges and resentment often have a deep-seated, unresolved anger.

But it’s not always the loud, explosive kind of anger.

Instead, it can be quiet and simmering, hidden beneath the surface.

It might not even be consciously felt by the person holding the grudge.

This unresolved anger can subtly influence their words and actions.

They might make offhand comments that seem a bit harsher than necessary, or react over-defensively to criticism.

While these behaviors might not be obvious signs of resentment, they’re telltale indicators of unresolved anger – one of the subtle ways in which grudges manifest themselves in our daily lives.

On top of that, according to a Japanese study, unresolved anger can deteriorate your relationships, and who wants that?

2) Difficulty in forgiving

I’ve noticed that a common behavior among those who hold onto grudges is a difficulty in forgiving.

I remember a time when a close friend wronged me.

It wasn’t something major, but it was enough to cause some hurt feelings.

Despite my friend’s sincere apologies, I found it hard to let go of the resentment I felt.

Every time we met, I’d find myself bringing up the incident or making subtle jabs about it.

It was as if my mind was stuck in a loop, replaying the episode over and over.

In hindsight, I realize that my inability to forgive wasn’t just hurting our friendship, it was also causing me unnecessary stress and discomfort.

This is one of the points made in Justin Brown’s fascinating video. He explains how dwelling on the past is a guaranteed way to stay unhappy in life. Check it out below.

YouTube video

3) Negative outlook

People who hold onto grudges often have a tendency to view life through a negative lens.

This isn’t just an observation – it’s backed by scientific research.

A study published in the journal Behaviour Research and Therapy found that people who hold onto resentment have a higher likelihood of experiencing negative emotions, such as anger, sadness, and fear.

They tend to focus on the negatives in a situation, often overlooking the positives.

This can be seen in their conversations, where they might repeatedly bring up negative topics or dwell on past wrongs.

This negative outlook doesn’t just affect their mood. It can also impact their relationships, work performance, and overall quality of life.

On top of that, psychologist Susan Albers, PsyD, cautions that suppressing or neglecting emotions over time can lead to serious mental health concerns, including PTSD, trauma, depression, and anxiety.

4) Passive-aggressive behavior

Another subtle sign that someone may be harboring resentment or a grudge is passive-aggressive behavior.

This could range from sarcastic comments and backhanded compliments to more subtle actions like purposeful tardiness or forgetting important tasks.

The person may not even realize they’re displaying passive-aggressive behaviors.

It’s their subconscious way of expressing anger or frustration without confronting the issue directly.

5) Difficulty in moving on

Perhaps the most poignant sign of holding onto grudges and resentment is a difficulty in moving on.

People often get stuck in the past, reliving the hurt and wrongs done to them.

They replay these incidents over and over in their minds, hindering their ability to move forward.

This can be a heartbreaking cycle. The person might miss out on new opportunities, experiences, and even relationships because they’re so consumed by past grievances.

6) Mistrust

When I was younger, I had a friend who betrayed my trust.

The wound ran deep and even after we had moved past the issue, I found myself constantly doubting her. Every action, every word was met with suspicion.

This mistrust is a common trait among those who hold onto grudges.

It’s like a protective shield, built to prevent further hurt or betrayal.

But the problem with this shield is that it often keeps out the good along with the bad.

It can prevent meaningful connections and nurturing relationships from developing.

7) Constant reminders

Another subtle behavior exhibited by people who hold onto grudges is constantly reminding themselves and others about the source of their resentment.

This could manifest in different ways.

They might keep bringing up the incident in conversations, or they might have physical reminders like letters or photos that they can’t let go of.

While it’s normal to remember significant events, constantly dwelling on them and letting them affect current behavior is a sign of holding a grudge.

8) Emotional drain

The most significant sign of holding onto grudges and resentment is the emotional drain it causes.

Carrying around resentment is like carrying a heavy bag—the longer you hold onto it, the heavier it becomes.

It can consume your thoughts, drain your energy, and even affect your physical health.

The emotional weight of a grudge doesn’t just stay in your mind; it seeps into every part of your life, making it harder to find joy, stay motivated, and connect with others.

But here’s the hopeful part: letting go of that resentment can be incredibly freeing.

It’s like setting down that heavy bag and feeling lighter, more at peace, and open to the positive experiences that life has to offer.

It might not happen overnight, but with time, self-compassion, and a focus on healing, you can reclaim your energy and emotional well-being.

Final thoughts: Leave it all behind

Grudges have a sneaky way of settling into our lives, often without us even noticing.

I’ve learned that the longer we hold onto them, the more they weigh us down, affecting everything from our mood to our relationships.

It’s not easy to admit when we’re stuck in the past, but recognizing those subtle signs is a start.

Forgetting or pretending nothing happened is not a solution.

It’s much better to choose to free yourself from the grip of old pain.

Decide that your peace of mind is worth more than holding onto a past hurt.

Trust me, when you start to let go, life feels a whole lot lighter. So, take a deep breath—what grudge are you ready to leave behind?

What would Jesus say?

Unsure whether to move on from a failed marriage? Struggling with desire and feeling guilty for it? Wanting to live a life Jesus would be proud of?

Let Jesus tell you how to be a good Christian according to the teachings of the Bible.

We brought Jesus back to life with the help of AI. Ask your toughest life questions, and Jesus will tell you exactly what to do.

Check it out here.

 

Ava Sinclair

Ava Sinclair

Ava Sinclair is a former competitive athlete who transitioned into the world of wellness and mindfulness. Her journey through the highs and lows of competitive sports has given her a unique perspective on resilience and mental toughness. Ava’s writing reflects her belief in the power of small, daily habits to create lasting change.

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