10 phrases a true friend would never use to comfort you, according to psychology

When you’re going through a tough time, the words of a true friend can make all the difference.

But not everything that sounds supportive really is.

There are certain phrases—like “At least it’s not worse” or “Just move on”—that a genuine friend would never use.

These comments often do more harm than good, even if well-meaning.

So buckle up, you’re about to discover what not to say when your friend needs a shoulder to lean on.

1) “At least…”

In friendships, empathy is key. Especially when a friend is going through a rough patch, the right words can make all the difference.

But there’s one phrase that, according to psychology, is a no-go: “At least…”

Why? Because using “at least” while comforting someone tends to minimize their pain and dismiss their feelings.

It’s a phrase that tries to find a silver lining in situations where maybe your friend isn’t ready to see one yet.

For instance, if your friend just lost their job and you say, “At least you have more time for yourself now”, it might feel like you’re downplaying the seriousness of their situation.

Your intent might be to cheer them up, but it can come across as invalidating their feelings instead.

So next time you’re trying comfort your friend, remember to stay away from phrases that start with “at least”. 

2) “I know exactly how you feel”

We all try to relate to our friends when they’re going through a hard time. We want to show them that they’re not alone, that we understand their pain.

But saying “I know exactly how you feel” can be a misstep.

Here’s why: Even if you’ve been through a similar situation, you can’t truly know exactly how your friend is feeling. Each person’s emotions and experiences are unique to them.

For example, when my friend lost her pet, I tried to comfort her by saying, “I know exactly how you feel. I was devastated when I lost my dog last year.”

But in retrospect, I realize I may have overstepped. While I was trying to show empathy, it might have come off as making her grief about me, instead of focusing on her feelings.

It’s okay to share your experiences, but avoid claiming to know exactly what your friend is feeling.

Instead, try saying something like “I can’t fully understand what you’re going through, but I’m here for you”.

3) “Everything happens for a reason”

This phrase is often used with the intent to provide solace during difficult times.

However, saying “everything happens for a reason” can unintentionally cause more harm than good.

The American Psychological Association has found that such statements can lead to feelings of guilt and self-blame, as it might imply that they deserved or caused their own misfortune.

Instead of trying to find a cosmic rationale behind your friend’s hardship, it’s more helpful to show empathy and provide emotional support. 

4) “You should…”

When a friend is in distress, it’s natural to want to jump in and offer advice. However, starting a sentence with “You should…” can come off as preachy or condescending.

According to psychological research, this phrase can make your friend feel as if you’re trying to control their actions or judge their decisions, rather than sincerely offering comfort.

Instead, try offering suggestions in a less demanding way.

Phrases like “Have you considered…” or “What if you tried…” invite your friend to think about different perspectives without feeling judged or pressured.

5) “It could be worse”

While it’s true that things could always be worse, saying this to a friend in distress is not helpful.

This phrase can make it seem like you’re downplaying their feelings or comparing their situation unfairly.

Research from the field of psychology suggests that such comparative statements can make people feel invalidated or dismissed.

Instead of feeling comforted, your friend might feel as if their troubles are being minimized.

A better approach? Acknowledge their feelings and reassure them that it’s okay to feel upset. 

6) “Time heals all wounds”

When a friend is hurting, it’s tempting to assure them that time will make things better. But the phrase “time heals all wounds” might not provide the comfort you intended.

This phrase can give the impression that their pain is temporary and dismissible, which can feel invalidating.

It subtly suggests that they should hurry up and get over their feelings, which is not how healing works.

Instead, let them know that it’s okay to take all the time they need to heal.

Reassure them that you’ll be there for them, every step of the way, no matter how long it takes.

After all, true friendship isn’t about rushing someone through their pain, but about standing by their side through it all.

7) “Just think positive”

While optimism can be a powerful tool, telling someone to “just think positive” might not always be the best advice.

This phrase can make your friend feel like their negative emotions are wrong or shameful.

I remember a time when I was struggling with anxiety, and a well-meaning friend told me to “just think positive”.

Instead of feeling comforted, I felt more isolated, as though I was failing at handling my feelings correctly.

Instead of pushing positivity, it’s more helpful to encourage your friend to acknowledge their feelings, whatever they may be.

Sometimes, the best comfort comes from simply being allowed to feel.

8) “This too shall pass”

On the surface, “this too shall pass” sounds like a comforting phrase. It’s a reminder that pain is temporary and better times are ahead.

But sometimes, this phrase can do more harm than good.

When someone is in the depths of their pain, they might not be ready to hear that their feelings are fleeting.

It can seem dismissive, as though you’re rushing them to get over their emotions.

Instead of focusing on the future, it can be more comforting to be present with your friend in their current state.

Let them know that you’re there with them in the here and now, ready to support them for as long as they need.

9) “It’s not that big of a deal”

One of the biggest mistakes we can make when trying to comfort a friend is belittling their problems.

Saying “it’s not that big of a deal” can easily make your friend feel like their feelings are being minimized or disregarded.

Psychological studies show that such a dismissive attitude can lead to feelings of isolation and increased stress.

It’s crucial to remember that what might seem insignificant to you could be a big deal to your friend.

Instead of downplaying their problems, validate their feelings and show empathy.

A simple “I see that you’re really upset, and I’m here for you” can go a long way in providing comfort.

10) “Just move on”

Telling someone to “just move on” can feel like you’re trying to rush their healing process.

Psychological healing is not a race and everyone moves at their own pace.

Remember, it’s not about how fast they get over it, but how they feel understood and supported during their journey.

The power of empathy

The phrases we’ve discussed in this article may seem harmless, but they can have a negative impact.

They can make a friend feel dismissed, invalidated, or pressured to heal faster.

Instead, embrace empathy. Strive to understand your friend’s feelings without judgment or comparison.

Encourage them to express their emotions, and reassure them that it’s okay to feel the way they do.

In the end, it’s not about having all the right answers or solutions.

It’s about being there for your friend, offering a listening ear, and reminding them that they’re not alone in their journey. Because that’s what true friendship is all about.