7 reasons why you find it hard to set boundaries (and what to do next)

Setting boundaries is essential for maintaining healthy relationships, yet many people struggle to do so.

This difficulty often stems from a variety of reasons that can hold us back from asserting our needs.

From fears of rejection to feelings of guilt and a lack of role models, understanding these barriers can help us find ways to overcome them.

This article explores the 7 common reasons why setting boundaries feels challenging and offers insights on how to move forward in a positive direction.

1) Fear of rejection

Let’s face it; nobody likes to be rejected. It’s a deeply ingrained human fear that can often hold us back.

This fear can manifest itself in our relationships when we hesitate to set boundaries. We worry that if we assert our needs and wants, the other person might not like it; they might reject us.

It’s a tricky balancing act, trying to look after your own needs while also trying to keep the peace and maintain the relationship.

But here’s the thing – setting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re being selfish or demanding. It simply means you’re taking care of yourself, which is not just okay, but necessary.

2) Struggle with self-worth

I’ll admit it, I’ve struggled with this one. For a long time, I found it hard to assert my boundaries because, deep down, I didn’t value myself enough.

I had this nagging feeling that my needs were less important than others’. That somehow, I didn’t deserve to have my space, my time, my energy respected.

It took a lot of self-reflection and work to understand that this was a byproduct of low self-worth. And let me tell you, coming to terms with it wasn’t easy.

But once I did, things started to change.

I realized that setting boundaries isn’t about ‘taking’ from others; it’s about respecting myself. It’s about acknowledging my worth and standing up for myself.

So if you struggle with setting boundaries, take a moment to reflect on your self-worth. 

3) Lack of role models

Did you know that our ability to set boundaries can be significantly influenced by our upbringing?

Many people grow up in environments where setting boundaries is not practiced or even discouraged.

This could be within families, where parents don’t respect each other’s boundaries, or even in cultures that prioritize collective needs over individual ones.

In such scenarios, it’s hard to learn how to set boundaries because you’ve never seen it done effectively.

But here’s the silver lining – just because you didn’t have positive role models growing up doesn’t mean it’s too late. It’s never too late to learn new skills, and setting boundaries is certainly one of them. 

4) Guilt and shame

Setting boundaries can sometimes make us feel guilty or shameful. We worry that we’re being unkind or too demanding, especially if the other person reacts negatively.

This guilt can be paralyzing. It can make us second guess ourselves, leading to a reluctance to set necessary boundaries.

You see, setting boundaries is a form of self-respect and self-care. It’s not about causing harm to others, but about protecting your own wellbeing.

So the next time you feel guilty about setting boundaries, remind yourself that it’s not just okay, but essential for your mental and emotional health.

5) Fear of conflict

I’ve always been a peacekeeper. In any situation with potential for conflict, my instinct has been to defuse it, to smooth things over, even if it meant swallowing my own feelings.

This fear of conflict made setting boundaries incredibly hard for me. I would avoid it at all costs, even when it was causing me stress or discomfort.

But over time, I’ve learned that conflict isn’t always negative. In fact, it can lead to growth and better understanding between people.

Setting boundaries might create temporary conflict, but in the long run, it leads to healthier relationships.

6) Misunderstanding what boundaries are

Often, we find it hard to set boundaries because we misunderstand what they really are. We might see them as walls, shutting others out, being selfish, or causing unnecessary conflict.

But in reality, boundaries are not barriers but guidelines for how we want to be treated. They’re about understanding and communicating our own needs and wants to others.

So if you’re struggling with setting boundaries, it might be time to reevaluate your understanding of them.

They’re not a negative thing; they’re a tool for creating healthier relationships and a happier you.

7) Not knowing how to set them

Perhaps the most fundamental reason we struggle with setting boundaries is simply not knowing how to do it. It’s a skill, and like any skill, it needs to be learned and practiced.

Here’s the thing: It’s okay to ask for help. There are resources available, from self-help books to counselors and therapists, who can guide you in learning this crucial skill.

Never underestimate the power of well-set boundaries in creating happier, healthier relationships. 

Final thoughts