8 relationship behaviors of people who grew up in a toxic household

When someone shuts down during a disagreement, they might be scared.

If they avoid conflict, they could be wounded.

Welcome to the complex world of human behavior.

Toxic upbringing can leave invisible yet painful scars that affect how we act in relationships. Trust me, I know how it feels.

You’re in luck, I made a list (or article, rather)—there are usually 8 specific behaviors that stand out:

1) Avoidance of conflict

Ever seen someone freeze up during an argument? You know, when they become deathly quiet, start looking anywhere but at you, and avoid the topic like it’s a ticking time bomb?

That’s called conflict avoidance, and it’s a classic sign of someone who grew up in a toxic household.

When you’re raised in an environment where disagreements were explosive, scary, or even dangerous, it can be easier to just avoid conflict altogether. Safer to retreat into silence than risk setting off another emotional minefield.

It’s not the healthiest way to deal with problems, but when you’ve been conditioned to fear confrontation, it becomes second nature. You’re always on alert, always ready to run for cover at the first hint of a storm brewing on the horizon.

2) Difficulty expressing emotions

You know, I remember a time when I would feel this knot in my stomach every time I had to discuss my feelings. It was like trying to climb a mountain without any gear – daunting and seemingly impossible.

Growing up in my house, emotions were something to be bottled up, not expressed. Tears were a sign of weakness, and anger was met with more anger. So, I learned to swallow my feelings, to keep them locked away.

It’s not until I got older that I realized how much this pattern had affected my relationships. I would clam up whenever a partner wanted to talk about our feelings, or worse, when they wanted me to share mine. It was like a switch had been flipped and I was suddenly that scared kid all over again.

And it’s not just me—many people who grew up in toxic households struggle with expressing their emotions in relationships. It’s a survival mechanism from our past that we carry into our present.

3) Hyper-vigilance

In a toxic household, unpredictability is often the only constant. This can lead to a state of continuous high alert, always scanning the environment for signs of danger. This behavior is known as hyper-vigilance.

In relationships, it can manifest as an intense sensitivity to mood changes, body language, or tone of voice in others. It’s like having an internal radar always pinging, always on the lookout for any potential threat, even when there isn’t one present.

Interestingly, research suggests that children who grow up in such environments are more likely to have heightened sensitivity to threats as adults. They’re wired to detect and respond to danger more quickly than their counterparts from stable homes.

This can result in anxiety and stress in relationships, as they’re constantly anticipating conflict or disaster, even when things are going smoothly.

4) Difficulty trusting others

Imagine growing up in a world where the people you’re supposed to trust the most are the ones who let you down repeatedly. That’s the reality for those who grew up in toxic households.

Trust is fundamental in any relationship. But when your trust has been shattered time and time again in your early years, it becomes incredibly hard to let your guard down and trust others in adulthood.

You may find yourself questioning people’s motives, waiting for them to show their ‘true colors’, or even pushing them away before they get a chance to hurt you. It’s a protective mechanism, a way to shield your heart from further pain.

But, remember, not everyone is out to harm you!

5) The tendency to over-apologize

I have a friend who says “sorry” so much, it’s almost a reflex.

Drop a pen? “Sorry.”

Someone bumps into her? “Sorry.”

Late reply to a text? “Sorry.”

It took me a while to realize that she wasn’t just being overly polite.

She was over-apologizing, and I used to be just like her.

Growing up in a toxic household, I often found myself saying “sorry” for things that weren’t even my fault. It was my way of avoiding conflict, of trying to keep the peace. I guess I thought if I apologized enough, I could prevent the next blow-up or meltdown.

Carrying this behavior into adulthood, I found myself apologizing in my relationships for things I had no control over. It took me some time and a lot of self-reflection to understand that not everything needed an apology from me.

6) Overly independent

Independence is usually seen as a positive trait, right? But there’s a fine line between being independent and being so self-reliant that you push others away.

In a toxic household, you quickly learn to rely on yourself. You become your own protector, your own caregiver. This self-reliance can morph into a kind of armor, a shield against the world.

In relationships, this can translate into an unwillingness to depend on others. You might refuse help even when you need it, or find it hard to open up and share your burdens.

Hey, it’s okay to let people in—it’s okay to rely on others. True strength lies not in dealing with everything alone, but in knowing when to ask for help.

7) Overcompensating in relationships

When you grow up in a toxic household, you often feel like you have to earn love and affection. It’s not given freely, but something you have to work for, prove yourself worthy of. This mindset can spill over into your adult relationships.

You might find yourself going above and beyond for others, always available, always giving more than you’re receiving. You’re overcompensating, trying to ensure your worth to others through your actions.

But here’s the truth: You don’t have to earn love. In healthy relationships, love is given freely, without conditions or expectations.

8) Fear of abandonment

At the heart of many toxic households is instability and unpredictability, which can lead to a profound fear of abandonment in adulthood. You’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for people to leave – because in your experience, they always do.

This fear can make you clingy in relationships, always seeking reassurance, or it can make you push people away before they get a chance to leave you. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy – you’re so afraid of being left that you inadvertently drive people away.

Understanding this fear is crucial. It’s not about being weak or needy; it’s about healing from your past.

Embracing the journey of healing

If you’ve recognized these behaviors in yourself, acknowledging them is a significant step forward. Growing up in a toxic household doesn’t doom you to dysfunctional relationships; it just means you may need to do a bit more self-work.

In the words of renowned psychologist Carl Rogers, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

These behaviors aren’t your fault, but understanding and accepting them as a result of a challenging upbringing is the first step toward change.

Reflect on what you’ve read, and consider reading it again. There’s potential for growth, healing, and healthier relationships in your future.

You’re not defined by your past, but by how you choose to move forward from it—the journey forward, my friend, is entirely in your hands.