7 signs your adult child tolerates you but doesn’t truly love you, says psychology

As parents, we like to believe that no matter what happens, our children will always love us.

But love isn’t just about family ties—it’s about connection, respect, and emotional closeness.

Just because your adult child picks up the phone when you call or visits during the holidays doesn’t necessarily mean they feel a deep, genuine bond with you.

Sometimes, what looks like love is actually just tolerance. They might keep the relationship going out of obligation, guilt, or the belief that cutting ties would be too drastic.

If you’ve ever felt a quiet distance between you—like they’re present but not really there—it’s worth asking: Is this love, or is it just them keeping the peace?

If you’re unsure where you stand, here are seven signs that your adult child may be tolerating you rather than truly loving you, according to psychology. 

1. Communication feels forced

Communication is the backbone of any relationship, and it’s no different with your adult child.

You’ve noticed that conversations have become strained, almost like pulling teeth. It’s like you’re navigating a minefield, where one wrong word could trigger an icy response or a hasty exit.

It’s not just about what is being said but also about what isn’t. The easy flow of conversation you used to have seems to have evaporated, replaced by an uncomfortable silence that speaks volumes.

This isn’t just about them being reserved or introverted. It’s a consistent pattern of avoiding deep and meaningful conversations with you. They share their life updates with you in a manner that’s detached and impersonal, as if they’re talking to a distant relative or a casual acquaintance.

This could be a sign that your adult child is merely tolerating you, maintaining the bare minimum level of communication just to keep up appearances.

Genuine love thrives on open and heartfelt communication, and the absence of this could indicate something amiss in your relationship.

2. Your child avoids spending quality time with you

Quality time is the lifeblood of any relationship. It’s during these shared moments that bonds are strengthened and memories are created.

But if your adult child consistently avoids spending meaningful time with you, it could be a sign that their connection with you isn’t as deep as you’d hope.

Maybe they stick to quick phone calls, keep visits brief, or only see you out of obligation—never because they genuinely want to.

When they do spend time with you, they might seem distracted, impatient, or emotionally distant, as if they’re just checking off a box rather than enjoying your company.

Of course, life gets busy, and adults have their own responsibilities. But when someone truly values a relationship, they make time, even in small ways.

If your child is always “too busy” yet manages to prioritize time with friends, partners, or in-laws, it may indicate that they don’t feel an emotional pull toward you.

Instead of meaningful bonding, they may simply be maintaining a surface-level connection to avoid guilt or confrontation.

3. They show no interest in your life

As the renowned Maya Angelou once said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” This wisdom rings true in all relationships, including that with your adult child.

There’s a certain reciprocity expected in relationships. You show interest in their life, and they show interest in yours. But when this balance is off, it can feel like you’re pouring love and attention into a relationship that’s not reciprocating.

Lately, it seems like my child doesn’t ask about my life anymore. No inquiries about my day, my work, my hobbies, or how I’m coping with life. It feels as if they’re not really interested in knowing what’s going on with me beyond the superficial.

This lack of interest is not just about them being self-absorbed or going through their own challenges. It’s a pattern that points towards indifference, a sign they might be tolerating rather than truly loving you, as hard as this might be to accept.

4. They don’t share their feelings with you

Psychology tells us that sharing feelings is a crucial part of any close relationship. It’s through these emotional exchanges that we show our vulnerability and create deeper connections.

But if your adult child keeps their emotions guarded around you, it could mean they don’t see you as a safe space for their inner world.

They might stick to surface-level conversations, avoiding anything too personal or emotionally revealing. When they’re struggling, they turn to friends, partners, or even colleagues for support—anyone but you. If you ask how they’re doing, they may give vague, one-word answers or change the subject entirely.

This emotional distance could stem from past experiences where they felt unheard, judged, or invalidated. If they grew up feeling like their emotions were dismissed or met with criticism, they may have learned to keep their feelings to themselves around you.

Over time, this can create a relationship that feels more like an obligation than a genuine emotional bond. A child who truly loves and trusts their parent will naturally want to share their joys, struggles, and thoughts—because love isn’t just about presence, it’s about emotional connection.

5. They’re dismissive of your feelings

When emotional openness is missing from a relationship, it often goes both ways. Just as your adult child may avoid sharing their feelings with you, they might also show little interest in your emotions.

A strong parent-child bond involves mutual understanding and care; there’s a real sense of empathy in it. Being able to understand and share the feelings of another person shows a level of care and affection that’s hard to replicate.

But if they seem indifferent—or even dismissive—when you express your thoughts and feelings, it could be a sign that they’re merely tolerating the relationship rather than truly valuing it.

6. They rarely initiate contact

Contact initiation is a two-way street in any relationship, especially between a parent and an adult child. It’s a simple way of showing interest and concern for each other.

But if you’re always the one reaching out—whether it’s calling, texting, or making plans—it might be a sign that your child isn’t as invested in maintaining the connection.

When someone truly values a relationship, they make an effort to stay in touch, even in small ways. A quick “How are you?” or a casual check-in shows that you’re on their mind.

If your child only responds when you initiate or seems indifferent about keeping in touch, it could indicate that they see the relationship more as an obligation than a meaningful bond. They may not dislike you, but if they rarely take the first step to communicate, it suggests that staying connected isn’t a priority for them.

Over time, this lack of effort can turn a once-close relationship into something distant and transactional.

7. They show little to no affection

Affection is a universal language of love. It can be expressed in different ways – a warm hug, a gentle pat on the back, or even a simple text saying “I love you”.

But what happens when that affection is missing? Do they seem uncomfortable with physical touch, avoid saying anything sentimental, or respond awkwardly when you express warmth toward them?

While not everyone is naturally affectionate, a total absence of these small gestures can signal emotional distance. If your child never initiates a hug, rarely says kind or appreciative words, or brushes off moments of closeness, it may be because they don’t feel that deep connection with you.

Affection isn’t about grand gestures; it’s about the small, everyday moments that make a relationship feel warm, safe, and meaningful. When those moments are missing, it’s worth considering what that says about the true nature of your bond.

Concluding thoughts

Discovering that your adult child might just be tolerating you can be a tough pill to swallow. But it’s important to remember that recognition of the issue is the first step towards change.

If you’ve identified with these signs, it’s a call to reassess and reestablish your relationship dynamics. It’s not about blame or guilt, but about creating an open dialogue where both parties feel heard and valued.

Start by acknowledging your feelings without judgement. Then, consider having an honest conversation with your child. Express your observations and feelings in a non-confrontational manner.

Bear in mind, this might require patience and time. Change isn’t instant, and it’s okay if progress seems slow. The goal here is to rebuild your relationship, not to win a race.

Also, remember that seeking professional help is always an option. Therapists and counselors specialized in family dynamics can provide valuable insights and guidance.

Above all, take care of yourself. It’s easy to get lost in trying to mend relationships and forget about our own well-being. So do things that bring you joy, surround yourself with positive influences, and practice self-compassion.

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Eliza Hartley

Eliza Hartley

Eliza Hartley, a London-based writer, is passionate about helping others discover the power of self-improvement. Her approach combines everyday wisdom with practical strategies, shaped by her own journey overcoming personal challenges. Eliza's articles resonate with those seeking to navigate life's complexities with grace and strength.

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