If you want to better understand your adult children, stop doing these 7 things

Navigating the relationship with your adult children — it’s a tricky task, isn’t it?

You want to understand them, be there for them, but the dynamics have changed. They’re not kids anymore, and you can’t treat them as such.

So how do you bridge this gap of understanding?

Let’s be honest. There are certain things that we, as parents, need to stop doing if we truly want to understand our adult children.

I’ve learned this through my own experience and in this article, I’m going to share with you 7 things that you should cease doing to better understand your adult children.

Trust me, it may not be easy, but it’s worth it. So let’s dive in.

1) Trying to fix their problems

In the world of parenthood, it’s natural to want to protect and help your children, isn’t it?

No matter how old they get, there’s this innate urge to swoop in and fix things when they’re struggling. But here’s the thing – this can often backfire when it comes to your adult children.

They’re not kids anymore. They’re grown-ups facing adult problems and they crave to handle these situations on their own.

By always trying to fix their problems, you unknowingly deny them the opportunity to learn, grow and become independent.

Of course, you might think you’re just being supportive. But from their perspective, it can feel like overstepping boundaries or even a lack of trust in their abilities.

Understanding this is key. If you notice that you’re always ready to jump in and solve issues for your adult children, it might be time to take a step back. Let them navigate their path and show them that you believe in their abilities.

2) Focusing on the ‘Empty Nest Syndrome’

Ever heard of the ‘Empty Nest Syndrome‘?

It’s a psychological condition that many parents, like us, can experience when our children leave home for the first time.

The house feels eerily quiet, their rooms look disturbingly clean, and you can’t help but miss the chaos of their presence.

But wait. Here’s where we often go wrong.

This syndrome isn’t just about longing for your child’s presence at home. It’s also about coping with a significant change in your role as a parent.

Instead of being consumed by this syndrome, it’s crucial to acknowledge and accept this change. 

Your adult child moving out is not an end but a new beginning – for both you and them. It’s a sign that they’re moving forward in life, and as parents, it’s our job to do the same.

So instead of dwelling on the emptiness, focus on how you can redefine your relationship with them now that they’re adults. This understanding will bring you one step closer to connecting with your adult children on a deeper level.

3) Not embracing their independence

Remember how we talked about the ‘Empty Nest Syndrome’ in the last point? Well, it directly ties into this one.

As your children grow into adults and leave the nest, they’re carving out their independence. They’re making their own choices, creating their own path.

Ironically, while we should be celebrating this newfound independence, many of us struggle with it.

Why? Because it means letting go of control. It means accepting that our children are no longer just extensions of us but individuals with their own set of beliefs, values, and decisions.

Sure, it’s a tough pill to swallow. But this acceptance is crucial if you want to understand your adult children better.

Remember, your child’s individuality doesn’t diminish your role as a parent; it simply changes it.

4) Not actively listening

Have you ever found yourself preparing your response while your child is still talking?

It happens to the best of us. But here’s the reality check: this isn’t truly listening.

Active listening is about fully engaging in what your adult child is saying, without interruption or forming a response in your head. It’s about showing empathy, understanding, and respect for their thoughts and feelings.

Often, we underestimate the power of simply listening. We get so caught up in giving advice or sharing our own experiences that we forget to just…listen.

But when we truly listen to our adult children, we show them that we value their opinions and respect their autonomy.

The next time you’re in a conversation with your adult child, take a moment. Breathe. Let them speak. Listen not just to respond, but to understand. This approach can open doors to deeper connections and a better understanding of your adult children.

5) Holding on to outdated expectations

As parents, we often have expectations for our children. We imagine their futures, their careers, their lives. But as they grow into adults, these expectations need to evolve too.

Holding onto outdated expectations can create unnecessary pressure and misunderstandings. It can prevent you from seeing your adult children for who they truly are.

Here are a few common outdated expectations:

• Expecting them to follow the career path you envisioned.
• Assuming they’ll hold the same values as you.
• Anticipating they’ll live close to home or maintain the same lifestyle as yours.

When we let go of these old expectations, we allow our adult children to be their authentic selves. And in return, we get a chance to understand them better. Keep this in mind as you navigate your relationship with your adult children.

6) Not respecting their privacy

Imagine this: You’re visiting your adult child’s home. You notice a stack of bills on their table. Do you take a peek?

Or, maybe you’re chatting with them on the phone. They sound a bit off. Do you press them for details?

If yes, you might be crossing the line when it comes to their privacy.

Respecting privacy and other boundaries is a crucial part of any adult relationship, including the one with your grown-up children. They have their own lives, their own challenges, and sometimes they may choose to keep certain things private.

Ask yourself: Are you prying into their personal matters or expecting them to share everything with you? If so, it’s time to reconsider your approach.

Remember, respecting their privacy doesn’t mean they’re shutting you out; it’s a sign that they’re becoming independent adults.

Understanding and respecting this boundary can greatly improve your relationship with your adult children and help you connect with them on a deeper level.

7) Not giving them space

I recall a time when my adult son had moved to another city for his job. As a parent, I was worried and missed him terribly. So, I would call him every day, sometimes even twice a day.

It wasn’t until he gently told me that he needed some space that I realized I was smothering him with my concern.

Giving your adult children space can be challenging. We worry about them, we miss them, and sometimes we just want to be part of their lives. But it’s important to remember that they need their space to grow and navigate life on their own.

Stepping back doesn’t mean you’re abandoning them. It simply means you’re giving them the room they need to become self-sufficient adults.

So, take a step back. Let them breathe. And remember, they’ll always be your children, but they’re also adults who need their own space. This understanding will pave the way for a healthier and more understanding relationship with your adult children.

Are you ready to change the dynamics?

We’ve explored a lot of ground together in this article. It’s clear that understanding our adult children requires a shift in our thinking, our behaviors, and our interactions.

Are you ready to make that shift? If so, here are a few final things to keep in mind:

• Change takes time: Don’t expect overnight transformation. It’s a journey, and it’s okay to take small steps.
• Open communication: Keep the lines of communication open. Encourage them to express their thoughts and feelings openly.
• Be patient: There might be moments of misunderstanding or disagreements. That’s okay. Patience and understanding are key.

Remember, the goal is not to control or mold your adult children, but to understand them better.

So, as you move forward from this point, reflect on these insights. Let them guide you towards a deeper connection with your adult children.

In the end, every step you take towards understanding them better is a step towards enriching your relationship with them. And isn’t that what truly matters?