If you want your adult child to enjoy your company, say goodbye to these 8 habits

Raising a child is one thing—building a strong relationship with them as an adult is another.

When kids grow up, the dynamic shifts. They’re no longer obligated to spend time with you; they choose to. And whether they genuinely enjoy your company or just tolerate it often comes down to how you interact with them.

Many parents don’t realize that certain habits—some of which may have been normal when their child was younger—can push them away in adulthood.

It’s not about being a perfect parent; it’s about creating a space where your child feels respected, heard, and comfortable being themselves.

If you want your adult child to actually want to spend time with you, it might be time to let go of a few old habits.

Here are eight things that could be making your relationship feel more like an obligation than a choice—and what to do instead.

1. Trying to exert control

Navigating the transition from a parental figure to a friend is one of the trickiest parts of having an adult child.

It’s natural to want to guide them, to protect them from making the same mistakes you made. But there’s a fine line between offering advice and trying to exert control.

When we constantly tell our adult children what to do, how to live their life or make their decisions, it can create a wall of resentment and discomfort.

The truth is, they need to make their own mistakes, learn their own lessons. It’s part of becoming an independent adult.

If you find yourself always wanting to take charge and dictate the terms, it’s time to take a step back. Let them lead their own life. Trust that the values you’ve instilled in them will guide their decisions.

This isn’t about relinquishing your role as a parent. It’s about evolving it. After all, respect is a two-way street and acknowledging their autonomy is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship with your adult child.

2. Being overly critical

Building on the need to respect their autonomy, there’s another habit that can be a real relationship killer: being overly critical.

Truth is, sometimes, even our well-intentioned comments can come across as criticism.

I remember when my son first moved into his own place. I would visit and find myself commenting on everything from the way he arranged his living room to the brand of detergent he used.

I thought I was helping, sharing my years of experience. But turns out, all he heard was criticism.

The constant nitpicking was pushing him away. It took a heart-to-heart conversation for me to realize how my ‘helpful suggestions’ were affecting him.

It’s important to remember that our adult children are still figuring things out. Their choices may not always align with ours, but that doesn’t make them wrong.

Being supportive and understanding goes a long way in strengthening the bond with your adult child. We all learn and grow at our own pace, and they are no different.

3. Failing to listen

There’s a quote by Stephen R. Covey that goes, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

If you find yourself doing this, it could very well be the reason why your adult child might be slowly pulling away. No one likes feeling unheard, and if your conversations feel one-sided or dismissive, they may start avoiding them altogether.

Listening isn’t just about hearing the words coming out of their mouth—it’s about understanding their emotions, perspectives, desires, and fears.

It means paying attention without interrupting, resisting the urge to give advice unless they ask for it, and validating their feelings even if you don’t fully agree. Sometimes, they don’t need a solution; they just need to feel like their voice matters.

A good way to check if you’re truly listening is to ask yourself: Do I give them space to express themselves without judgment? Do I make an effort to understand their point of view before responding?

If the answer is no, it’s never too late to change. When adult children feel heard and respected, they’re far more likely to enjoy your presence and willingly keep you in their lives.

4. Holding onto past mistakes

Mistakes are a part of life, and our adult children are no exception to this rule. 

They’ve made mistakes, and they will continue to do so—just like everyone else. But if you constantly remind them of their past missteps, even in subtle ways, it can create distance. No one wants to feel like they’re forever defined by their worst moments.

Bringing up old mistakes—whether it’s their teenage rebellion, poor financial decisions, or career missteps—only reinforces guilt and frustration.

Even if your intention is to guide them, it often comes across as judgment or a lack of faith in their ability to grow.

At some point, they need to be seen for who they are now, not who they were years ago.

Letting go of the past doesn’t mean ignoring lessons learned—it means allowing room for growth and change.

If you want a stronger relationship with your adult child, focus on the present. Celebrate their progress, acknowledge their efforts, and show them that you trust their ability to navigate life on their own terms.

5. Neglecting to respect their boundaries

As we’ve discussed, respecting autonomy, listening, and letting go of past mistakes are all essential in ensuring your adult child enjoys your company. However, these efforts can be undermined if we don’t respect their boundaries.

Boundaries are not walls but guidelines for how they want to be treated. They’re an essential part of all healthy relationships.

I learned this lesson when my daughter moved out. I’d call her multiple times a day, drop by unannounced, and even offer to do her laundry. It came from a place of love and concern, but I was unknowingly crossing her boundaries.

She finally sat me down and explained how she felt smothered. It was a tough pill to swallow, but I realized she needed her space to grow and live her life.

Respecting their boundaries doesn’t mean you’re distancing yourself. Instead, it’s about giving them the space they need to be adults while still being there for them when they need you.

Remember, it’s their journey. We’re just privileged to be a part of it.

6. Ignoring their interests

Every person is unique, with their own set of passions and hobbies. Our adult children are no different. They have their own interests, which may be vastly different from ours.

My son is a tech enthusiast, always excited about the latest gadgets and software. At first, I didn’t understand his fascination and often dismissed his attempts to explain it to me.

But then I realized – it wasn’t about the technology. It was about sharing something he loved with me. So I started asking questions, showing interest in what he was passionate about.

Taking an interest in what excites them shows that you value their individuality. It’s not about pretending to like what they like, but about opening yourself up to their world.

Understanding and appreciating their interests can lead to deeper conversations and shared experiences, strengthening your bond with your adult child.

7. Avoiding vulnerability

As parents, we’ve often felt the need to appear strong and composed in front of our children. But as they grow into adults, this facade can create distance.

I remember a time when I was going through a tough phase. Instead of sharing my feelings with my daughter, I put on a brave face. She sensed something was off and felt hurt that I wasn’t sharing my struggles with her.

It was then that I realized that showing our vulnerabilities doesn’t make us weak; instead, it makes us human. It allows our adult children to see us as individuals with feelings, struggles, and dreams, just like them.

Opening up about your feelings and experiences not only deepens your connection but also encourages them to share their world with you. It’s about creating a safe space where both of you can be authentic and supportive of each other.

8. Forgetting to express love

All the previous points have been leading up to this: expressing love. It may seem obvious, but it’s surprising how often we forget to verbalize our feelings to our adult children.

In the hustle and bustle of life, we sometimes forget that our grown-up children still need to hear those three simple words: “I love you.”

I’ve found that just saying it, without any reason or occasion, can make a world of difference. It’s not about grand gestures or expensive gifts. It’s about expressing your love in a way that resonates with them.

For my son, it’s a hug when he visits. For my daughter, it’s a call to check on her day. Small actions that convey a big message – you are loved.

Expressing love fosters a positive atmosphere and strengthens the bond with your adult child. It’s a habit that brings joy, comfort, and connection.

Embracing the journey

Change is never easy, especially when it involves habits that have become second nature to us. But if you’ve recognized yourself in any of these points, take heart. Awareness is the first step towards change.

Start by reflecting on your relationship with your adult child. Consider the habits discussed and how they might be impacting your connection. Take note of instances where you might be exerting control, ignoring their interests, or avoiding vulnerability.

Then, make a conscious effort to shift these patterns. It’s not about achieving perfection or making drastic changes overnight. It’s about making small, consistent adjustments that honor both you and your adult child.