8 signs a person is polite but not genuinely kind, says a psychologist

If someone holds a door for you, you might think they’re kind. If they always say “please” and “thank you”, you could assume they’re nice.

But appearances can be deceiving, right?

Understanding human behavior isn’t always as straightforward as it seems. In fact, some people mask their true nature behind a facade of politeness.

There are signs that may help you differentiate between someone who is simply polite and someone who is genuinely kind. Let’s dig in to learn more.

1) They’re all about the pleasantries

You know the type.

They always have a smile on their face, a kind word at the ready, and an impeccable knack for saying just the right thing at the right time. Manners seem to be their second language.

But notice how it’s all surface-level? How they never quite venture into deeper, more meaningful conversations?

This could be a sign that while they’re polite, they might not be genuinely kind.

It’s almost as if they’re using politeness as a shield, a way to keep people at arm’s length while maintaining a pleasant facade.

It’s tricky, isn’t it? But once you start noticing it, it’s hard to unsee.

2) They’re quick to help, but only when it’s convenient

I’ve seen this firsthand.

There was this colleague of mine, let’s call him John. Always the first to offer his help, always jumping in whenever someone needed a hand. Sure sounds like a kind person, right?

But over time, I started noticing a pattern. John was always there to help, but only when it was convenient for him.

Like if we were working late and someone needed help with a task that he was already familiar with. Or if helping out meant he could leave work early.

But the moment anyone needed help outside his comfort zone or his schedule, John was suddenly nowhere to be found.

This made me realize that while he was polite enough to offer his assistance, he wasn’t genuinely kind because his actions were primarily driven by self-interest.

It’s a subtle nuance, but a telling one nonetheless.

3) They’re often selective with their kindness

Polite people know the social rules and can play by them perfectly. They can be courteous, charming even, to everyone they meet. But a genuinely kind person?

They’re kind to everyone, regardless of who they are or what they can offer.

Individuals who only show kindness towards certain people, usually those who are in a position to benefit them in some way, are more likely to be polite than genuinely kind.

For example, if someone is exceptionally nice to their boss but dismissive or rude to the janitor, it’s a clear sign that their politeness is situational, not a reflection of their true character.

It’s the difference between being nice because it’s the socially acceptable thing to do and being kind because it’s the right thing to do.

4) They often expect something in return

Politeness can often come with strings attached. A polite person may help you out, but oftentimes, they expect something in return.

It could be a favor, recognition, or even just a simple thank you.

Moreover, a genuinely kind person does good deeds without expecting anything in return.

They help because they want to, not because they expect to gain something from it.

If you notice someone is always keeping score or reminding you of the times they’ve helped you out, it might be a sign that their politeness isn’t rooted in genuine kindness.

5) They rarely show vulnerability

Now, I’ve noticed something intriguing about polite people. They’re often very composed, very in control.

They rarely show vulnerability or open up about their struggles.

I believe it’s because showing vulnerability doesn’t always align with being polite. It can be messy and uncomfortable, and that doesn’t fit the polished image they’re trying to maintain.

But genuine kindness? It thrives on authenticity and connection, which often involves being open about our own challenges and shortcomings.

If someone always seems to have their act together, never sharing any personal struggles or insecurities, I’d start to question whether their politeness might be a mask for a lack of genuine kindness.

6) They’re excessively agreeable

You might think that always agreeing with others is a sign of kindness, but it can sometimes indicate the opposite.

Polite people often avoid conflict like the plague.

They’ll agree with you, even when they don’t, just to keep the peace. While this might seem kind on the surface, it’s not a genuine interaction.

A truly kind person values honesty and authenticity. They’re not afraid to disagree or share their own opinions, even if it might lead to a difficult conversation.

When you see someone who’s always nodding along and never challenging any ideas, they might be polite, but not genuinely kind.

7) They tend to gossip

Talking about others behind their backs is a common trait among polite but not genuinely kind people. They may engage in gossip to fit in or to make themselves look better.

On the other hand, a genuinely kind person doesn’t feel the need to engage in such behavior.

They understand that everyone has their own struggles and choose to empathize rather than judge.

So if someone seems polite but is often involved in office gossip or talking about others, it might be a sign that their kindness isn’t as genuine as it appears.

8) They’re not consistent in their behavior

Ultimately, the most telling sign of a person who is polite but not genuinely kind is inconsistency. They might be charming and agreeable one moment, then cold and distant the next.

Their politeness seems to switch on and off depending on the situation or the person they’re interacting with.

However, a genuinely kind person is consistently kind. Their actions and attitudes don’t fluctuate based on who they’re with or what they stand to gain.

They are kind because that’s who they are, not because it serves them in a particular moment.

Reflecting on genuine kindness

If you’ve gotten this far, it’s clear that distinguishing between politeness and genuine kindness isn’t always straightforward. It requires keen observation, patience, and understanding.

But remember, genuine kindness is not about grand gestures or impeccable manners. It’s about consistently showing empathy, compassion, and respect towards others, regardless of the circumstances.

As Mark Twain once said, “Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”

So next time you encounter someone who is polite, take a moment to observe. Look beyond the surface-level pleasantries and see if their actions align with genuine kindness.

It’s a subtle difference, but one that can make all the difference in your interactions.

And who knows? You might just find yourself striving to be more genuinely kind too.