9 signs you’re in love with the idea of someone more than the actual person

Falling in love can be a powerful and consuming experience—it’s a beautiful, all-consuming emotion that can turn our world upside down.

But sometimes, it’s not the actual person we fall for, but the idea of them we’ve concocted in our minds.

It’s tricky to navigate and even trickier to recognize as this distinction can lead to misunderstandings and disappointment in relationships.

Sounds confusing? Don’t worry, I’ve been there too—recognizing the signs that you’re more in love with an idealized version of someone than with the real person is important for fostering authentic connections.

And guess what? I’m here to share these signs with you.

In this article, I’ll outline 9 signs that you’re possibly in love with the idea of someone more than the actual person:

1) You’re fixated on their potential

In the complex world of love and relationships, we sometimes fall for an idea, not the person—a clear sign of this is when you’re more focused on their potential than who they currently are.

You see, when we’re in love with the idea of someone, we tend to imagine them as who they could be rather than accepting them as they are right now.

Maybe you’re hoping they’ll change certain habits, or you’re waiting for them to reach their full potential in their career or personal growth.

While it’s natural to want the best for someone you care about, it’s crucial to ask yourself: Are you in love with the person they are today?

However, this doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t real; it just means they might not be directed at the right version of your loved one.

2) You’re overly attached to the ‘honeymoon phase’

Here’s a universally accepted truth: All relationships go through different stages.

One of these stages is the ‘honeymoon phase’; you know, that initial period when everything is rosy, your partner can do no wrong, and every moment is filled with passion and excitement.

But what happens when this phase ends? It’s a natural progression in every relationship.

Now, if you find yourself desperately trying to cling onto this phase or constantly reminiscing about it, it’s time to ask yourself why—could it be that the reality of the person you’re with, without the rose-tinted glasses of the honeymoon phase, is not quite what you had imagined?

This isn’t necessarily a bad thing as it’s human nature to resist change, especially when it involves our emotions, but recognizing this pattern can be a powerful insight into your feelings.

3) You feel unsettled when they show their flaws

Building on the previous point, another sign you might be in love with the idea of someone rather than the actual person is your reaction to their flaws.

Let’s face it: No one is perfect and realizing this is a significant part of any relationship.

Here’s the counter-intuitive bit, though: If you’re genuinely in love with someone, their flaws don’t unsettle you—instead, they make you love them even more because they add to their uniqueness.

On the other hand, if you’re in love with an idea of someone, their flaws might disturb your perfect image of them—you might feel disappointed or even surprised when they show these flaws.

Loving someone means accepting them for who they are—imperfections and all.

4) You often feel disappointed

Have you ever felt a sense of disappointment in your relationship, even when everything seems to be going well?

It’s about those little moments when you feel let down, even when your partner hasn’t done anything wrong.

When we’re in love with an idea, we set unrealistic expectations and, when these expectations aren’t met, it leads to a cycle of constant disappointment.

If this resonates with you, take a step back and try to understand if your expectations are based on the real person or an idealized version of them—it might help you understand your feelings better.

5) You compare them to an ideal

When you’re in love with the idea of someone, it’s common to find yourself comparing them to an ideal image in your mind.

You might have a checklist, either consciously or subconsciously, of attributes or qualities you want in a partner.

Some examples could include:

• Ambition
• Good looks
• Financial stability
• Gentleness
• Humor

Constantly comparing the person you’re with to this ideal makes it hard for them to measure up.

This constant comparison isn’t fair to either of you and can create a gap between the reality of your relationship and your idealized version.

6) You overlook their feelings

We’ve all been guilty of this at some point—I know I have.

Let’s say your partner is having a bad day—instead of being there for them, you’re upset because their mood is affecting your happiness.

This can be a sign that you’re more in love with the way they make you feel than with the person themselves.

A real relationship involves two people with their own thoughts and emotions.

7) You get defensive when others point out inconsistencies

Imagine this: You’re having a conversation with a close friend about your significant other and they gently point out some inconsistencies between how you describe your partner and how they act in reality.

Do you immediately get defensive?

This could be because, deep down, you know there’s a gap between the person you’re with and the image of them you’ve created in your mind.

Ask yourself: Why does it bother you when someone points out these inconsistencies? Could it be because it threatens the idealized image you’ve built?

8) You feel anxious about the future

The future can be intimidating, especially when it comes to relationships.

I remember a time when I was in a relationship and I found myself constantly worried about what the future held for us; I couldn’t shake off the anxiety, even though things were going well.

Looking back, I realize that he thought of reality not aligning with that idea made me anxious.

Real love is about accepting that people change and grow—it’s about embracing the uncertainty of the future together, not fearing it.

9) You feel like something is missing

And finally, possibly the most telling sign of all: feeling as if something is not there or out of place.

You’re in a relationship with someone who seems perfect—they tick all the boxes, yet you can’t shake off the feeling that something is missing.

This feeling can be hard to pinpoint because it’s not about what they lack; it’s about the disconnect between your idealized image and the real person.

When we’re in love with an idea, no matter how perfect the person seems, there will always be a sense of unfulfillment because reality can never quite match up to our ideals.

Being aware of this can help you navigate your feelings and understand them better; after all, recognizing the issue is the first step towards addressing it.

So, what now?

Recognizing that you might be in love with the idea of someone more than the actual person can be a tough realization.

It’s simply an invitation to reflect on your feelings and perhaps, make some changes.

Here are a few suggestions:

• Engage in open conversations with your partner about your feelings.
• Try to shift your focus from the future to the present moment. Enjoy their company here and now.
• Practice acceptance and let go of unrealistic expectations.

Love is multifaceted, and feeling uncertain at times is normal—what matters most is being true to yourself and honest about your emotions.

Reflecting on these signs can provide clarity and help you understand yourself and your relationships better.

Who knows? You might uncover valuable insights that lead to deeper connection and self-awareness.