8 signs someone close to you has a serious lack of empathy and compassion, says a psychologist

Empathy and compassion are cornerstones of healthy relationships, allowing us to connect, support, and understand one another.

However, not everyone possesses these qualities, and a lack of them can lead to hurtful or dismissive behavior.

Having someone close to you who doesn’t seem to understand or care about your feelings can be incredibly hard.

Like any psychological issue, it looks different in different people—so, being in a relationship with someone who lacks empathy and compassion brings its own unique challenges.

But, don’t worry, there are ways to handle these situations and understanding more about this issue could be the first step.

Here are 8 signs to watch for that may reveal this troubling trait:

1) They struggle to understand your feelings

If you’ve ever poured your heart out to someone only to receive a blank expression in return, you know how it feels.

Let’s say one day you’re feeling down: You share your feelings with this person, expecting some comfort, but all you get is a shrug or a nonchalant “oh”.

This could leave you feeling unheard and invalidated.

They’re not purposely trying to hurt you but, rather, they just struggle to understand and connect with your feelings—it’s like they’re missing an emotional compass.

Lacking empathy can make even the simplest interactions frustrating feel like you’re talking to a wall or that your feelings are always being dismissed.

It’s not your fault that they don’t understand you.

It’s their psychological challenge, and understanding this can be the first step towards managing your relationship with them.

2) They often offer practical solutions instead of emotional support

When you share your struggles with someone close to you, the typical response you might expect is a comforting word or a listening ear.

With someone who lacks empathy and compassion, however, the response might be a little different.

Instead of offering emotional support, they might jump straight into problem-solving mode.

If you’re upset about a tough day at work, for instance, they might start suggesting strategies to handle your workload better or ways to deal with difficult colleagues.

While this might seem helpful at first glance, it’s not always what you need in the moment.

Sometimes, all you want is to be heard and understood, not to have your problems fixed—there’s absolutely nothing wrong in wanting emotional support over practical solutions.

3) They don’t react to emotional cues

Imagine you’ve just shared an exciting piece of news with someone close to you: You’re grinning from ear to ear, but they respond with a simple “that’s nice” and move on.

A disconnect, like this, between your emotions and their response can be quite puzzling.

Here’s what’s happening: People who lack empathy and compassion often struggle with recognizing and responding to emotional cues; this is known as ‘alexithymia,’ a trait that makes it difficult for people to understand and express emotions, not just in themselves but in others too.

Those with alexithymia might not pick up on your excitement, sadness, or anxiety and, even if they do notice, they may not know how to respond appropriately.

Acknowledging this can help you navigate your relationship with them in a more understanding way.

4) They may seem distant, but it’s not about you

With someone close to you, who lacks empathy and compassion, can sometimes feel like they’re emotionally distant.

You might worry that you’ve done something wrong or that they’re upset with you but, most of the time, it’s not about you at all.

Anyone who struggles with empathy and compassion often has a hard time connecting with their own emotions, let alone someone else’s—this can make them appear detached or uninterested in your feelings.

It’s important to remember that their emotional distance has more to do with their internal state than with anything you’ve done, not with a reflection of your worth or the value of your relationship.

Being aware of this can help you avoid taking their actions personally and keep your self-esteem intact, and can also guide you in finding more effective ways to communicate and connect with them.

5) They struggle with emotional conversations

We’ve all been there: You’re in the middle of a heartfelt conversation, pouring out your deepest feelings, only to be met with an awkward silence or a change of topic.

Yes, they may find it hard to engage in emotional conversations—not because they don’t care about you or what you’re going through, though, but how they just find it hard to navigate the emotional landscape of these discussions.

Remember, this is completely about their struggle to understand and engage with emotions, whether it’s theirs or others’.

6) They might misinterpret your emotions

Have you ever laughed at a joke only to have someone ask why you’re upset? It can be a baffling experience, but it’s not uncommon when dealing with someone who lacks empathy and compassion.

I remember one time when I was thrilled about a promotion at work: I shared the news with excitement, expecting a celebratory response. Instead, my co-worker asked why I was so stressed out about it.

This misinterpretation was simply because they struggle to understand and accurately interpret emotions—for example, they might see your smile but miss the happiness behind it or hear your tone but misunderstand the emotion in it.

7) They may have difficulty showing compassion

If you’re hurting or going through a tough time, the last thing you need is for someone close to you to ignore your pain or dismiss your feelings.

Unfortunately, when dealing with someone who lacks empathy and compassion, this can be a common occurrence.

They might not offer comfort when you’re upset or congratulate you when you’ve achieved something; it’s not that they want to hurt you, they just struggle to empathize with your situation and respond in a compassionate way.

Yes, it’s frustrating and yes, it’s hurtful.

But, here’s the hard truth: You can’t force someone to feel empathy or show compassion–these are things that must come naturally.

You can, however, control how you react to their behavior, like setting boundaries and expressing your needs.

You deserve to be heard and understood, so don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and communicate openly about how their actions make you feel.

8) They say it’s your fault

Here’s the most crucial thing to remember when dealing with someone who lacks empathy and compassion: It’s not your fault.

Their inability to understand and share your feelings is not a reflection of your worth or the validity of your emotions.

You are not too sensitive, too demanding, or too emotional—you are simply human, with a full range of emotions that deserve to be acknowledged and respected.

Struggling with empathy and compassion is a part of their psychological makeup, not a result of anything you’ve done or haven’t done.

Keep this in mind to avoid self-blame and preserve your self-esteem.

In conclusion

Living with or being close to someone who lacks empathy can be challenging, but remember—it’s about their struggles, not your worth.

How you navigate the relationship is ultimately your choice as your feelings are valid, and you deserve to be heard and understood.

You don’t have to suppress your emotions or needs but, instead, focus on understanding their struggles and finding ways to communicate effectively.

Here’s to fostering healthier relationships, prioritizing self-care, and recognizing that everyone has their own battles; your journey is yours—don’t let anyone dictate how you should feel.

Stay strong, stay compassionate, and don’t hesitate to seek professional support if needed.