9 subtle signs a friend is using you for their own benefit, according to psychology

Ever felt like your friend’s kindness comes with strings attached? Or that their support might have a hidden agenda?

If you’re questioning whether your friendship is really a two-way street, it’s time to dig deeper.

The truth is, not all friendships are built on mutual respect and genuine concern. Some are riddled with manipulation and self-interest, where one person uses the other for their own gain.

These friendships can be emotionally draining, leaving you feeling used and underappreciated. Yet it can be challenging to discern the fine line between a supportive friend and someone who is subtly leveraging your kindness for their own gain.

So drawing from psychological insights, I’ve identified 9 understated indicators that a friend may be exploiting you for their own benefit.

Ready to uncover the truth behind your friendship? Let’s dive in.

1) They’re only around when they need something

Friendships are about give and take, but if you notice that your friend is always reaching out when they need a favor, this might be a red flag.

Perhaps they only call when they need help moving, or if they’re going through a breakup. Maybe they only want to hang out when their other plans fall through.

In other words, you’re their backup plan, their second choice. They’re not interested in spending time with you for the sake of it – they’re interested in what you can do for them.

You may find yourself always being the one to reach out, to initiate plans, to check in on them. Their lack of effort in maintaining the friendship, while consistently expecting your support and assistance, is a clear sign that they might be using you for their own benefit.

2) They rarely show gratitude

Psychology shows that gratitude is a fundamental part of any healthy relationship. It’s a way of acknowledging the value and importance of another person’s actions or presence in your life.

But with this friend, you may find that your efforts and kind gestures are often met with indifference or entitlement. They take your help for granted and rarely express their appreciation for your support.

It could be as simple as not saying “thank you” when you offer them a ride home, or not acknowledging the effort you put into planning a surprise birthday party for them.

This lack of reciprocity can leave you feeling undervalued and exploited, as though your friend sees your kindness as something they’re entitled to, rather than a gift to be grateful for.

They may even go so far as to criticise what you do for them or make you feel as though it’s never enough. This is their way of manipulating you into doing more for them, while giving very little in return.

3) They always agree with you

While it may seem like a positive trait to always be on the same page, it can actually be a subtle sign of manipulation in a friendship.

Your friend might constantly agree with your opinions, regardless of what they are, and avoid any form of debate or disagreement. This could be their way of making you feel valued and important, thus keeping you close and available for their needs.

In real friendships, disagreements are natural and even healthy. It’s through these differences that we can learn from each other and grow as individuals.

But if your friend is always mirroring your opinions and never challenging you, it might be because they’re more interested in using you than in having a genuine friendship.

4) They make you feel guilty

Friendship should be a source of joy, not anxiety. If you find yourself constantly feeling guilty or walking on eggshells around your friend, there’s a good chance something is off.

Maybe they make you feel guilty for not being available whenever they need you, or for spending time with other friends. They might use phrases like “I thought I could count on you,” or “I guess I was wrong about our friendship.”

This is a clear sign of emotional manipulation. They’re using your guilt to control you and keep you in their grasp.

It’s a toxic tactic designed to make you feel like you’re always in the wrong, making it easier for them to take advantage of your willingness to make amends.

5) They’re never there for you

We all have tough days, and during those times, we often turn to our friends for support. However, if your friend is consistently absent or dismissive when you’re in need, it could be a sign they’re using you.

Maybe they’re always “too busy” when you’re going through a rough patch or they brush off your problems as insignificant.

Or perhaps they belittle your feelings, make light of your struggles, or simply change the subject when you need to talk.

Friendship is a two-way street. If they are not there for you in your times of need, it’s not because you’re unworthy or your problems are trivial. It’s because they lack the empathy and compassion that form the basis of a true friendship. 

6) They only talk about themselves

We’ve all been in those conversations where it feels like we’re just a sounding board for someone else’s monologue.

If your friend consistently dominates the conversation, always turning the focus back to themselves, it can be a subtle sign of manipulation.

Perhaps they never ask about your day or show interest in your life. When you do share something, they quickly steer the conversation back to themselves or their experiences.

Friendship should be a balanced exchange of thoughts, feelings, and experiences. If your friendship feels one-sided, it’s time to reconsider the nature of that connection.

7) They only invite you to group events

It’s great to have a friend who enjoys social gatherings and introduces you to new people. But if you find that they only invite you to group activities and never for one-on-one hangouts, it might be a subtle sign that they’re using you.

Perhaps they only call you for parties or group trips, where the cost is shared, and the more, the merrier. But when it comes to grabbing coffee or catching a movie together, they’re suddenly unavailable.

While it’s fun to mix and mingle in a group setting, meaningful friendships also thrive on personal interactions.

If they’re always including you in the crowd but never spending time with you individually, you might just be an extra number for them.

8) They always forget their wallet

We all forget our wallets from time to time, but if your friend consistently “forgets” their wallet or always seems to be short on cash when it’s time to pay, chances are they’re taking advantage of you.

Maybe they conveniently step out to make a phone call when the bill arrives or they promise to pay you back later, but later never comes.

Or it could also be that they always suggest expensive hangouts but expect you to foot the bill.

Don’t let your generosity be exploited. It’s okay to say no and it’s okay to expect financial fairness in a friendship. 

9) Trust your gut

This is the most critical point of all. If something feels off in your friendship, trust your instincts.

You might not be able to pinpoint exactly what’s wrong, or maybe you’re doubting yourself because the signs are subtle. But deep down, if you feel like you’re being used, don’t ignore that feeling.

Your intuition is a powerful tool. It picks up on subtle signals and patterns faster than your conscious mind can process them.

If your gut is telling you that this friendship is one-sided and exploitative, listen to it!

Final thoughts

True friends support and uplift one another without hidden agendas. If you find that your relationship isn’t as mutually beneficial as it should be, it might be time to reassess your boundaries and priorities.

Are they enriching or depleting you? Are they based on mutual benefit or one-sided gain? And most importantly, are they worthy of your time and energy?

Protecting your emotional well-being is crucial, and understanding the dynamics of your friendships helps you build stronger, more authentic connections.

Don’t settle for less than what you deserve. You’re worthy of genuine friendships where there’s mutual respect and understanding.