7 subtle signs your adult child is taking advantage of your kindness

Is your adult child using your kindness against you? 

I know it sounds harsh, but love can blur the line between support and enabling, making it difficult to recognize when you’re being taken advantage of.

Today, we dive into some subtle signs that could indicate your generosity is being exploited. Do any of these ring true in your life?

Let’s find out. 

1) You are always giving and getting nothing in return 

Generosity is a beautiful trait, especially when it’s towards your child. But there comes a point where you need to consider whether this is becoming a one-sided exchange.

Sure, they might not be in a position to return the favor materially, but there are many ways to reciprocate – spending quality time, helping with chores, or just expressing gratitude.

As Bruce Y. Lee noted in a Psychology Today post,  “Not being able to remember the last time the other person helped you in any way without looking at the calendar is a strong sign that the other may be using you.” Can you remember the last time they helped you?

Every relationship needs a balance. If you find yourself constantly giving and not receiving, it’s high time to reassess.

It’s not about keeping a scorecard; it’s about fostering mutual respect and reciprocity. Be kind, but don’t let your kindness become your weakness.

2) Disregard for your time

If there’s one thing I’ve realized over the years, it’s that time is a precious commodity. We should not tolerate others wasting ours, even if those others are our children. 

I remember a phase when my daughter would consistently show up late for our planned outings or cancel at the last minute for me. Sometimes, she would also ask me to do tasks for her that she could easily do herself without considering the time and effort it took from me.

I initially brushed it off, thinking she was just caught up in her busy life. But soon, I had to face the reality that this was not just about being busy; it was about not valuing my time.

When your adult child consistently disregards your time, it’s a subtle sign they’re taking advantage of your kindness. It’s essential to address this issue and remind them that your time is just as valuable as theirs..

3) They rely on you financially (and are not making an effort to change that)

Supporting your child through hard times is natural, but there’s a difference between temporary assistance and a long-term dependency.

When months turn into years, and you’re still covering their rent, bills, or groceries while they make no effort to find a job or improve their financial standing, it’s a clear sign they’re taking advantage of your generosity.

You have to ask yourself: Are you truly helping, or are you enabling?

The hard truth is that continually bailing them out might be keeping them from learning how to handle life’s responsibilities. It might be time for some tough love and a conversation about boundaries, expectations, and the importance of them standing on their own.

4) They are interested and friendly only when they want something

In researching another post recently, I read this by the folks at Very Well Mind: “The person doesn’t make an effort to be there for you when you need them.” It was in reference to signs of people using you.

It got me thinking—this still applies, even if it’s our own kids.

When your adult child only shows interest in your life when they need something, it’s a painful but important reality check.

You might notice that calls, texts, or visits suddenly increase right before a favor is asked or when they’re short on cash. However, when everything is going well for them, you hardly hear a peep.

This type of behavior reveals that their concern for you may not be genuine, but rather transactional. It’s hard to admit, but you might be dealing with someone who sees your kindness as a resource to be tapped, rather than a relationship to be nurtured.

Don’t mistake a flurry of affection or attention as sincerity when it’s tied to their needs. Healthy relationships—especially between parents and children—are built on mutual care and respect, not just convenience.

5) Lack of appreciation

How often does he or she say “thank you”?

Gratitude is the bare minimum in any relationship. When it’s consistently missing, it’s a glaring sign that your kindness is being taken for granted. It’s one thing to help out when your child is in need; it’s another when your efforts are met with silence as if they’re owed.

A lack of appreciation can create a toxic dynamic where your generosity is expected rather than valued. Over time, this entitlement can leave you feeling resentful and drained.

It’s important to recognize that a simple “thank you” isn’t just polite—it’s an acknowledgment of your effort and care. If your adult child can’t even muster that, it’s time to question whether they truly value what you do for them, or if they’re just coasting on your kindness.

6) They guilt trip you 

As noted by the folks at WebMD, “Guilt trips often happen in close relationships (family, friends, some co-workers) where you care about your connection as well as the person’s feelings and how your behavior affects them.”

This couldn’t ring truer when it comes to parent-child relationships.

When your adult child starts using guilt as a weapon to get what they want, it’s a manipulative tactic that preys on your love and sense of obligation.

They might say things like, “After all I’ve been through, the least you could do is help me out,” or “If you really cared, you’d do this for me.” These statements are designed to make you feel responsible for their struggles, pushing you to bend over backward, even when it’s unreasonable.

The tough part is that guilt trips play on your emotions and your desire to be a good parent. But recognize this for what it is—manipulation. 

It’s not fair, and it’s not healthy. Don’t allow guilt to become the currency in your relationship. Boundaries are crucial, even with those we love most.

7) Absence during your time of need

In any relationship, support should be reciprocal. It’s not about keeping score; it’s about being there for each other.

If your adult child is conspicuously absent or unresponsive during your times of need, it’s a clear sign that they might be taking advantage of your kindness.

This goes beyond financial or physical help. It’s about emotional support, care, and simply being there when it matters. If they consistently fall short in this regard, it’s time to have a serious conversation about mutual respect and support.

Final thoughts: It’s about balance

Parenting never stops, no matter how old your children get. The dynamics change, but the love and concern remain constant.

But there’s a difference between being supportive and being taken advantage of. It’s a delicate balance that requires careful navigation.

It might be challenging to recognize and accept that your kindness is being exploited, but awareness is the first step towards change. It’s never too late to set boundaries and take steps towards a healthier relationship.

After all, the ultimate goal is to help them grow into responsible adults who understand and value the essence of giving and taking in relationships.