8 subtle someone’s kindness is not actually genuine, says psychology

Have you ever met someone who seemed incredibly kind initially, only to later find out that their intentions were not so genuine?

It’s easy to get swept up in the warmth of people’s words and actions, but psychology shows that not all kindness is created equal. Sometimes, what appears to be kindness is actually a way to manipulate or get something in return.

The tricky part?

The signs of fake kindness are often subtle—small things you might brush off at first, but that leave you feeling uneasy over time.

In this article, we’ll explore 8 subtle signs that someone’s kindness might not be as real as it seems. 

1) Overcompensating gestures

In the realm of human behavior, nothing screams disingenuity louder than excessive showiness.

People who are genuinely kind don’t feel the need to make a grand spectacle of their good deeds. They simply do them because it’s the right thing to do, not because they want applause or recognition.

However, those whose kindness is not entirely genuine might overcompensate by making large, noticeable gestures. This could be something as simple as being overly enthusiastic in their responses or as extreme as performing overtly generous actions.

The aim?

To draw attention and admiration, or sometimes, to mask self-serving motives.

It’s important to note that not everyone who makes grand gestures is insincere. But when these actions seem excessive or out of character, it might be a sign that their kindness does not come from a genuine place.

2) Lack of consistency

Consistency is a key indicator of genuine kindness. Someone who is genuinely kind will be kind consistently, not just when it’s convenient or beneficial for them.

Let me share a personal example.

I once had this friend, Sarah. She would always be the life of the party, the one to lend you a hand or cheer you up with her infectious laughter. But, I noticed something off about her kindness – it seemed to switch on and off.

One day, she’d be all smiles and helpfulness, and the next, she’d barely acknowledge my existence. Her kindness seemed to heavily depend on her mood, our audience, or what she thought she could get out of it.

It took me a while, but I eventually realized that Sarah’s kindness wasn’t genuine. True kindness isn’t selective or inconsistent; it’s constant and unconditional.

So remember, if someone’s kindness fluctuates dramatically, it might be a sign they’re not as genuine as they seem.

3) Their words and actions don’t align

In the world of psychology, there’s a concept known as cognitive dissonance, which is the mental discomfort experienced by a person who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, values, or perceptions.

When someone’s kindness isn’t genuine, this inconsistency often manifests between their words and actions.

They might say all the right things – they care about you, they’re there for you, they want the best for you – but when it comes down to it, their actions don’t reflect these claims.

This disconnect can be subtle, but it’s a significant indicator of insincerity. Genuine kindness isn’t just about saying nice things; it’s about backing up those words with meaningful actions.

4) Kindness with strings attached

True kindness is selfless. It’s about helping others without expecting anything in return.

However, when someone’s kindness isn’t genuine, their good deeds usually come with strings attached.

They might help you out, but then expect something in return. It might not be immediate, but sooner or later, they’ll remind you of the favor they did and expect you to repay it.

This tit-for-tat approach isn’t kindness; it’s transactional. It’s a way for them to gain leverage or to feel superior.

So, if you notice that someone only offers help or support when it benefits them, or if they frequently remind you of the favors they’ve done, be cautious. This could be a sign that their kindness is more about control and less about genuine care.

5) They are not kind to themselves

Genuine kindness begins from within. It’s hard to extend true kindness to others if you’re not kind to yourself first.

People who are genuinely kind tend to have a healthy level of self-compassion.

They understand that everyone, including themselves, makes mistakes and that it’s part of being human. This understanding allows them to be patient and forgiving, both towards themselves and others.

On the other hand, those whose kindness is not genuine may often be hard on themselves.

They may set unrealistic expectations and berate themselves for not meeting them, or they might struggle with self-care and prioritizing their own needs.

So in essence, the way people treat themselves often mirrors how they treat others.

6) They struggle with empathy

Empathy is at the heart of genuine kindness. It’s the ability to understand and share the feelings of others, to put yourself in their shoes.

I’ve encountered people who, despite their outward displays of kindness, seemed unable to truly empathize with others.

One instance that comes to mind involves a colleague who would always offer help or advice. However, when I was going through a particularly rough patch, I noticed that her expressions of sympathy felt hollow and disconnected.

She would offer words of comfort, but they were generic and lacked understanding. It wasn’t that she didn’t care, it was more like she couldn’t really grasp what I was going through or how it felt.

This lack of empathy can be a subtle sign that someone’s kindness is not genuine.

Real kindness involves empathy. It’s about more than just doing good deeds; it’s about connecting with others on a deeper level.

7) They are selectively kind

Genuine kindness isn’t selective; it extends to everyone, regardless of their status or what they can offer in return.

However, when someone’s kindness isn’t genuine, they might only be kind to certain people.

For example, they may be more generous towards those they perceive as having power or influence while neglecting or even disrespecting those they view as less important.

This selective kindness is a tell-tale sign of insincerity. It suggests that the person’s kindness is driven by self-interest rather than a genuine desire to help others.

So, be observant. If someone is kind to the boss but dismissive of the janitor, or if their kindness seems to ebb and flow based on who’s watching, take note. This could be a sign that their kindness is not as genuine as it seems.

8) They rarely listen

At its core, genuine kindness involves truly listening to others. It’s about respecting others enough to give them your full attention and truly hear what they’re saying.

But those whose kindness isn’t genuine often struggle to listen. They might frequently interrupt, or their mind might wander while others are speaking.

This isn’t because they’re bad people, but because true listening requires empathy and humility, qualities they may lack.

Genuine kindness is about more than just good deeds or nice words. It involves truly being there for others, both in word and in action. 

Final reflections: The essence of true kindness

Recognizing the signs of inauthentic kindness can be a game-changer when it comes to protecting your emotional well-being.

While it’s important to remain open and kind-hearted, it’s equally important to trust your instincts and be aware of when someone’s kindness might have hidden motives.

By paying attention to the subtle signs we’ve discussed, you can better navigate relationships and make sure your trust and energy are invested in people who truly have your best interests at heart.