8 things you should never say to your child (even when they’re in the wrong)

Telling off your child is easy, but it’s not always effective. The wrong words can do more harm than good.

On the flip side, choosing the right words can help them learn and grow, even when they’re in the wrong.

In this article, we’re going to discuss 8 things you should never say to your child, no matter the situation.

We all want to be the best parents we can be, so let’s do a little self-check.

Let’s dive in.

1) “Why can’t you be more like…”

Comparing your child to others is a slippery slope.

It might seem like an effective way to encourage better behavior or higher achievements. But is it really?

Imagine being constantly measured against someone else’s yardstick. How would it make you feel? Not very good, right?

The same applies to your child. Comparison can often lead to feelings of inadequacy and lower self-esteem.

Instead of comparing, focus on their unique strengths and abilities. Acknowledge their mistakes, but also guide them on how they can improve.

Your role as a parent is to build them up, not tear them down. And that starts with refraining from harmful comparisons, even when they’re in the wrong.

2) “You’re always messing up”

We’ve all had those moments. Those moments when we’re at our wits’ end, and it feels like our child is repeatedly making the same mistakes.

I remember one time when my own child kept forgetting to do his homework. In frustration, I blurted out, “You’re always messing up your homework!”

The look on his face still haunts me. It was a mix of embarrassment, sadness and defeat.

It hit me then. As a parent, my words carry weight. And the words “You’re always messing up” were far too heavy for my child to bear.

By generalizing his actions, I was labeling him as a constant failure, which is not the message I wanted to send.

It’s crucial to address the behavior, not the child. Instead of saying “You’re always messing up”, we could say, “You forgot your homework today, let’s work on a plan so it doesn’t happen again.”

This way, we help them understand that making mistakes is human but also guide them towards improvement.

3) “I told you so”

It’s tempting to use “I told you so” when your child makes a mistake despite your warnings. It feels like a natural way to reinforce the importance of your advice.

However, research suggests that this phrase does more harm than good. An analysis article published in Noûs explored the working of blame and explained that saying “I told you so” can lead to feelings of resentment and defensiveness.

Instead of rubbing their mistake in their face, use the opportunity to teach them. Discuss what happened, why it happened, and how they can avoid making the same mistake in the future.

We should strive to be their guide, not their critic. This encourages open communication and makes it easier for them to come to us with their problems in the future.

4) “You’re just like your [parent]”

It might seem harmless, even comedic at times, to point out how your child is so much like their other parent – especially when they’re in the wrong. But tread carefully.

This kind of comment can create a negative image of the other parent in your child’s mind. It also subtly implies that the traits or behavior they’re exhibiting are inherent and therefore, unchangeable.

Instead, focus on addressing the specific behavior without linking it to anyone else. Help them understand why it’s wrong and guide them towards a better response or action.

Remember, each child is unique and should be treated as such, not as a carbon copy of their parents.

5) “I’m disappointed in you”

As parents, our hearts ache when our children make wrong choices. In these moments, it’s easy to utter the words, “I’m disappointed in you.”

However, these words can pierce your child’s heart deeper than you intend. They might interpret it as you being disappointed in them as individuals, rather than their actions.

Expressing disappointment is not wrong, but it should be directed at the behavior, not the child. It’s better to say something like, “I’m disappointed that you chose to lie about this. Honesty is important.”

This way, you’re making it clear that your disappointment lies in their actions – not in who they are as a person. It’s a subtle but crucial difference that can save your child from unnecessary heartache and guilt.

6) “Just let me do it”

I remember the first time my son tried to tie his shoelaces by himself. He was struggling, and I was running late for work. In my impatience, I sighed and said, “Just let me do it.”

In that moment, I saw a glimmer of disappointment flash across his face. He had been trying so hard, and in my haste, I had taken away his chance to learn and feel accomplished.

Children need the chance to try, fail, and try again. It’s how they learn resilience and develop skills. When we jump in to do things for them out of impatience or frustration, we inadvertently undermine their confidence and growth.

Next time your child is struggling with a task, resist the urge to take over. Instead, offer guidance or encouragement. Let them know that it’s okay to struggle and learn at their own pace.

7) “Stop crying”

Telling your child to stop crying might seem like the quickest way to restore peace, but it sends a harmful message. It suggests that expressing emotions is wrong or that their feelings are not valid.

Emotions are a natural part of life. It’s crucial that we allow our children to express theirs, even when it’s uncomfortable for us.

Instead of telling them to stop crying, try to understand why they’re upset and validate their feelings. You could say, “I see that you’re upset. Do you want to talk about it?”

This approach not only allows them to feel heard but also teaches them healthy ways to handle their emotions.

8) “You’re a bad kid”

The most important thing to remember is that no child is inherently bad. Labelling them as such can severely damage their self-esteem and self-worth, which can have long-lasting effects.

When your child makes a mistake, it’s crucial to separate the behavior from the person. Address the action without attacking their character.

Instead of saying, “You’re a bad kid,” you could say, “What you did was not okay. Let’s talk about how you can make better choices next time.”

This reinforces the idea that they have the capacity to change and improve, fostering a growth mindset instead of a fixed one.

Final thought: It’s about love and respect

At the heart of parenting lies the profound bond of love and respect between a parent and child.

Psychologist Carl Rogers proposed that for a person to grow, they need an environment that provides them with genuineness, acceptance, and empathy. This holds especially true for children.

Each time we interact with our child, we have an opportunity to nurture these needs. The words we choose play a significant role in creating this environment.

Remember, it’s not about perfect parenting. We all make mistakes from time to time. What matters is our willingness to learn, grow, and do better.

Our words can either build our children up or tear them down. Let’s strive to be builders, guiding them with love, respect, and understanding, even when they’re in the wrong.