7 ways to gain your independence back in a co-dependent relationship

Navigating a co-dependent relationship can feel a lot like walking on a tightrope. You’re constantly seeking balance while also trying to maintain your individuality.

Regaining your independence in such a relationship doesn’t always mean breaking up. It means establishing your boundaries, finding your own happiness, and learning to be alone.

As a relationship expert, I’ve seen the struggle first-hand. I’ve been where you are, and I know how difficult it can be to set yourself free.

But trust me, it’s possible. And you don’t have to do it alone.

With this in mind, we dive into seven ways to regain your independence in a co-dependent relationship. 

1) Identify your boundaries

Establishing your boundaries is the first step towards gaining back your independence.

In a co-dependent relationship, it’s easy to lose sight of where you end and the other person begins. Blurred lines and sacrificed needs become the norm. You may even find yourself giving up your own desires to keep the peace or please the other person.

But here’s the thing; your needs, desires, and feelings are as important as anyone else’s. It’s essential for you to identify what’s acceptable to you and what’s not.

Start by making a list of what you consider to be your non-negotiables in a relationship. This could include things like your personal time, your career, or even your friendships.

Stick to these boundaries and communicate them clearly to your partner. 

This isn’t about control or manipulation. It’s about understanding your own worth and taking steps toward preserving your individuality in a shared space.

2) Embrace the discomfort

This might seem counterintuitive, but it’s a crucial step in reclaiming your independence.

In a co-dependent relationship, we often become addicted to comfort. We avoid situations that make us uncomfortable and rely on our partner to shield us from those feelings.

However, discomfort is a part of life, and it’s necessary for personal growth. By avoiding discomfort, we limit our ability to grow and change.

Instead of running away from discomfort, embrace it. Start by doing small things on your own that you would normally rely on your partner for. It could be as simple as going to a social event alone or making a decision without seeking their approval first.

Yes, it will feel strange and even scary at first. But with time, you’ll find that you’re capable of more than you ever thought possible. 

3) Seek professional guidance

Sometimes, the path to independence can seem incredibly overwhelming. You might feel lost, unsure of where to start or how to navigate through the process. I’ve seen this time and time again. 

That’s where professional guidance comes in.

Therapists and counselors are trained to help you understand your feelings and behaviors, and they can provide you with personalized strategies to deal with co-dependency.

In my experience, having someone who understands the intricacies of co-dependency can make all the difference. That’s why I suggest reaching out to a professional who specializes in this area.

Self-help resources can also be beneficial. There are many books that offer a wealth of knowledge on this subject. In fact, I have written one. Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship is my comprehensive guide that can be a great companion on your journey towards independence.

4) Learn to say no

Do you find yourself saying “yes” when every fiber of your being wants to say “no”?

In co-dependent relationships, we often find ourselves bending over backward to accommodate our partner’s needs, often at the expense of our own. We say yes when we really want to say no, leading to resentment and loss of self.

I’ve experienced this in my own relationships. I remember the first time I said no to something I didn’t want to do. It was terrifying but also incredibly liberating. That ‘no’ was a declaration of my independence, a statement that my needs and desires mattered too.

The takeaway?

Start small. Say no to something minor and gradually build up your confidence. Over time, you’ll realize that saying no doesn’t mean you’re selfish or uncaring; it simply means you’re respecting your own boundaries.

5) Prioritize self-care

Self-care is often misunderstood as a luxury or self-indulgence. But in reality, it’s an essential part of maintaining your physical and mental health. 

As noted by experts like those at Choosing Therapy, the benefits of self care include increased self esteem, increased happines and better relationships. If you really want to to break free from co-depency, you need these things!

Make it a point to prioritize self-care. This could mean different things for different people – it could be taking time out for a hobby, spending time alone, exercising, or even just taking a nap when you need one.

As cliché as it sounds, you cannot pour from an empty cup. Taking care of yourself is not selfish; it’s necessary for your well-being and independence.

6) Cultivate your own interests

Having shared interests in a relationship is great, but it’s equally important to have pursuits of your own. As put by the folks at Healthline “Although spending time together is important, setting aside time to be without your partner may also be just as advantageous.”

I learned this the hard way. There was a time when my entire world revolved around my partner. My interests, hobbies, even my plans were all tied to them.

But then I realized, perhaps unsuprisinly, that I was losing myself. That’s when I decided to rediscover my individual interests. 

It was a gamechanger for me. It might be for you, too. 

Start by exploring new hobbies or reigniting old passions. It could be anything from painting to hiking, or even learning a new language. The idea is to have something that’s solely yours, something that brings you joy independent of your partner.

7) Accept that it’s okay to outgrow a relationship

This is perhaps the hardest truth to swallow, but it’s also the most liberating.

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, we realize that we’ve outgrown a relationship. It’s not about blame or failure, but about acknowledging that we’ve changed and grown in different directions.

I’ve been there, too. I’ve clung to relationships that were clearly not serving me, just because the thought of letting go was too painful. But over time, I realized that holding onto something that’s not meant for you only prevents you from moving forward.

It’s okay to outgrow a relationship. It doesn’t mean you failed; it simply means you’re growing. And that’s a good thing.

Your primary relationship should always be with yourself. Your happiness and peace of mind should never be compromised for the sake of a relationship.

Deciding to leave a co-dependent relationship is never easy. But sometimes, it’s the most loving thing you can do for yourself.

Embrace the journey of independence

I hope you found this post insightful and helpful as you navigate your journey toward independence.

Remember, regaining your sense of self in a co-dependent relationship is not only possible but essential for your well-being. Each step you take is a step toward a healthier, more fulfilling life—one where your happiness is no longer tied solely to someone else.

Keep going, and don’t be afraid to seek help if you need it. You deserve a relationship where you can thrive as your authentic self.